So... I've been having a rough go these last couple of weeks. Work has just sucked because I have no interest in what I do anymore and my new boss is apparently turning out to be my own personal Kryptonite.
Another large factor in my current state of being is WOW. It's consuming too much time (once again). The problem with it this time is that I'm actually having a lot of fun playing it. Normally, I get burned out of all the grinding but it's not like that anymore. :| It's just fun. *sigh*... I need to uninstall it but it's like saying, you don't get to enjoy life at all, you need to work on things which need to get done all the time.
So... here is my list of priority things which need to be done which I actually wrote a week ago.
#1. Uninstall WOW
#2. Quit game design
#3. Start Exercising
#4. Get new Knees (mine don't work very well)
#5. Improve memory
#6. Invest in my work.
After a week of having this list... this is where I'm at. This is a list of things that I still need to do.
#1. Uninstall WOW
#2. Quit game design
#3. Start Exercising
#4. Get new Knees (mine don't work very well)
#5. Improve memory
#6. Invest in my work.
OK. Not a lot of progress.
I need to add "Quit Drinking" to this list but it's hard for me to deal with that one.
OK... at this point... I (wait)... ok, I just uninstalled WOW. I had to do it before I lost that momentary surge of strength.
That uninstall was far too fast. Investigating. hrrmmm.. I've got to make sure there is no doubt that it will take hours and hours to reinstall.
done...
Uninstalling D&D online as well.
done...
By the way, I'm playing hooky... again. I can't even stomach going to work right now...
I've got to make changes.
Alright... the list.
#2. Quit game design
#3. Start Exercising
#4. Get new Knees (mine don't work very well)
#5. Improve memory
#6. Invest in my work.
There may be a couple of interesting points on this list if anyone bothers to read this far. It's sort of a vent session for myself but I'll try to keep it short and sweet for anyone interested. [EDIT: Turns out to be lie]
#2. Quit game design. I love it but... it takes a lot of time not only to program but to think about as well. With WOW out of the way, I may find that I have more free time during my free time to think about games. However, I need to spend more time thinking about my life and the people around me. The entire PopLava effort is designed to make game development easier for people like me who want to casually develop games.
I was considering the release of my ideas and projects that surround PopLava. It's almost like an uninstall of WOW isn't it or is it more like a quick fix on attention. I'm leaning toward the latter.
Since I uninstalled WOW, instead of playing that, maybe I will go look into ways at improving my memory. Ah, about that. My memory really sucks. I think I can easily compare it to Alzheimer's Disease. I remember the first time many years ago that I realized I had a problem. While studying for a test... my best friend and I were studying for a couple of days and we sat down to review. When we tested each other, I had a hard time recalling the answers and he didn't. We both studied equally so I thought, what the fuck. Between us, I was always the thinker so, what the fuck again?
My brain is great at thinking and in fact, seems to solve problems far faster than most people I meet. It's pretty much the worst at remembering though. Peoples names.. forget about it. Recalling the details of how I wrote an application, forget about it. Studying math so I can answer logic questions during an interview, forget about it. Things do not transfer to my long term memory. Suck. This has made my life an anti-social living hell. I can't recall peoples names so walking up and talking to someone is awkward and they know it. Recalling crap to talk about is horrible (I'm just blank and waiting for them to say something). Living social hell.
I used to think I was just broken.. but now I realize that my bad memory actually created who I am today. Here's a list of things which spawn from not being able to remember well and how it impacts my standings in society. I'm actually working with society to naturally weed myself out.
- Not social (Stand offish)
- Rebellious against social systems which causes me to think negatively about everything and anything including things like DisneyLand. I don't think of the fun to be had... I think of all the rude crowds, plastic crap, and just the money making business of it all.
Side note...
WOW appeals to folks like me because they are an outlet to my social frustrations. I don't have to remember the guys name because it conveniently appears when he talks. :) I also don't have to think of anything to say. Silence just means I'm busy questing or something.
What was this list about again? ... Seriously. Oh right... What has a bad memory resulted in.
- Instead of doing well in school, I ended up roving the halls and I eventually stopped going altogether. People (my parents) thought, "why"? What's his problem? Why is he choosing to screw up so badly? None of us knew it at the time but remembering things was really really hard for me. It probably took me 2-3x more effort for school work. The teachers always said that they don't understand me. To summarize their thoughts, "he is very smart but I don't know why he doesn't apply it to school". My 3rd grade teacher actually said "Well, he is going to be a brilliant millionaire or brilliant criminal but I'm not sure which. Well, I'm neither of those things and my criminal tendencies have dwindled down to absolute zero over the years.
So... anyway, I'm not doing so well at listing off all the problems that spawn from a life time of bad memory... There's a lot.
It could be possible that if I stop drinking, things will get a lot better. I've essentially been perpetually hungover for a lot of years. I was in fact drinking heavily when I first discovered my memory problem.
I'm not a boozer though... just a weekend beer binging type that occasionally binges on the weekdays as well. If there's a half-rack in the fridge now, there won't be by the end of the night. That's how it works.
Alright... where am I. It's 11:30am on a (what day is it)... ok... Wednesday... what am I going to do next? Lets look at my list again.
#2. Quit game design
#3. Start Exercising
#4. Get new Knees (mine don't work very well)
#5. Improve memory
#6. Invest in my work.
ok... when I scroll up to get my list, I realize that I have more than a wall of text. Nobody will make it this far I'm sure which is fine. The key thing about writing this online vs in my personal journal... is that it will bother me to no end after I post it. I'll want to delete it so someone won't come along and find it some day.
However, its just the truth... a painful life with a smattering of good moments.
Well... at this moment in time, I would like to try and improve things for myself. I beleive the right place to start is with my memory. I'm sure that means I need to stop drinking. My situation makes it challenging as I have drinkers around me with whom I can't really avoid. I could use some help with how to "cope" (buzz word I've heard before) with quitting.
AA might be the way to go. I've been telling myself that I need to do this every hungover morning for the last year.
That reminds me... I am SOOOOOO sick of thinking about myself and how to fix my emotions and physical status. I'm about 50lbs over weight which makes me and my knees miserable.
*sigh*... list.
#2. Quit game design
#3. Start Exercising
#4. Get new Knees (mine don't work very well)
#5. Improve memory
#6. Invest in my work.
...
Alright, I'm going to look up stuff that improves memory... and then I'm going to go buy said stuff and get some lunch while I'm out.
- Plan formed.
- Executing on plan...
ts
Personally, I look at game design/development as being exercise for the brain. My own list would probably go something along the lines of:
#1: Start Exercising -- It's first on the list because actually exercise gives you the energy to do everything else. Weight retention is very much a matter of the calories in vrs calories out of your lifestyle, and this adds to the later half of the equation. However, even if you eat more and stay just as heavy (I'm about 55 lbs overweight myself) you'll still feel a lot more energetic than if you never exercised. Just don't tell yourself, "I'm going to exercise for 4 hours straight" even if you pull that off, you're going to feel the stress of putting yourself through that and may never exercise again. Set a goal that's not so terrifying, like 20 minutes, at a pace you're comfortable with. Find something you can do which entertains your brain while you're exercising (I like to watch TV recordings). Comfort with longer or more intensive exercise will come in time - exercise can actually be pretty addictive after you're on the hook. #2: Invest in (finding) work. -- Income is good. Making sure it's as secure as possible is just a higher priority than everything else. However, you're going to have a lot of down time outside of work. If you're employed, you're not on the clock 24/7. If you're unemployed (as I am) there's time waiting for callbacks or more leads. So there's going to be time left in which you're not doing #1 or #2. #3: Game Design/Development -- Brain exercise is essential. This also provides an important outlet for your creative side. Don't put as much eggs in this basket as actually finding work -- getting income from game development is as dicey as any entertainment industry -- but by all means continue to do this for the joy of doing it. There's a difference between succeeding in life and being satisfied with it, and I think that creationism goes far towards satisfaction. #4: Schedule some time to play. -- It's important that you promise yourself a little time to relax. It makes it that much easier to get the things you want to do done when you know you'll have an opportunity to relax later. There's going to be a time in the day before bedtime when you're too tired to do anything else, and this is an improvement over TV. Uninstalling WoW is a good idea in general because it's very hard to contain. MMORPGs are massive time sucks, reinforced with incredible social pressures to keep playing. WoW is the gold standard of being such a black hole. (Lucky for me I'm MMORPG immune - though not from lack of trying, it seems the ol achievement complex of grinding for virtual MacGuffins just doesn't appeal to me anymore.) To an extent, I think #4 may be #3 on a different level. Game development is fun, at least once you're into something cool. In many ways, it's the deepest, most satisfying game you'll ever encounter. I only mention #4 because there will be times when you should rest your frazzled nerves. (Perhaps mindfulness meditation would be a better #4?) So, having had this plan on the table for quite some time, why haven't I realized it completely? Because habit is a real bitch to break, and I've no less than a lifetime trend towards escapism. I'll pick up a few new games, and I put off #1 through #3 indefinitely. That's been my routine for 26 years, and it seems the cycle is only broken when my incredibly high standards in gaming enjoyment cannot be met satisfactorily. About the only good measure I've found to avoid this escapism is to actually pay attention. When I'm sitting down and recording what I do when I do it, it provides some insight as to where the time goes. I've discovered it's not that I'm really a procrastinator, I just let time slip through my fingers simply because I'm not paying attention to my habits. #4 is really about setting a time on when I game. It's not even gaming, really - forums are a massive time sink too. Hell, I'm doing it right now on your comment thread. Basically, if I don't set a time and stick to it, before I know it the entire day will be gone. The very second I'm sitting there knowing that it's not time to game and it's time to do something else, some form of productivity is inevitable. The new knees you can slip in there at whatever priority you see fit. My sister has had some knee surgery done as well. Getting them tweaked to satisfaction may well be within the realm of possibility. You're going to want to speak to a physician or exercise expert about what kind of exercise is appropriate so as to not cause them undue stress. | |
Geldonyetich wrote:
Personally, I look at game design/development as being exercise for the brain. My own list would probably go something along the lines of:Agreed. It's the #1 recommendation on all fronts. Just don't tell yourself, "I'm going to exercise for 4 hours straight" even if you pull that off, you're going to feel the stress of putting yourself through that and may never exercise again. Set a goal that's not so terrifying, like 20 minutes, at a pace you're comfortable with. Find something you can do which entertains your brain while you're exercising (I like to watch TV recordings). Comfort with longer or more intensive exercise will come in time - exercise can actually be pretty addictive after you're on the hook. I've been working full time for a long time. Problem is, I need a change but moving around is risky right now and I've grown "soft" in my technical skills since I haven't had a competitive reason to keep them sharp. #3: Game Design/Development #4: Schedule some time to play. Going to be is like pulling teeth with me. Not sure why but bed is that last place I want to go. I think its because waking up means I have go to work which is "the suck". Uninstalling WoW is a good idea in general because it's very hard to contain. MMORPGs are massive time sucks, reinforced with incredible social pressures to keep playing. WoW is the gold standard of being such a black hole. (Lucky for me I'm MMORPG immune - though not from lack of trying, it seems the ol achievement complex of grinding for virtual MacGuffins just doesn't appeal to me anymore.) I quit WOW and I'm having withdrawals which is natural (I guess)... but I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs which isn't good. I've been spending a number of days away from "computing". Actually watched a Netflix movie for first time in a month or something. To an extent, I think #4 may be #3 on a different level. Game development is fun, at least once you're into something cool. In many ways, it's the deepest, most satisfying game you'll ever encounter. I only mention #4 because there will be times when you should rest your frazzled nerves. (Perhaps mindfulness meditation would be a better #4?) I think that's where I'm at. A cross-roads to what's next. I'm standing in the middle and I'm not sure where I'm going to end up... (or "go" if I were a motivated individual). So, having had this plan on the table for quite some time, why haven't I realized it completely? Because habit is a real bitch to break, and I've no less than a lifetime trend towards escapism. I'll pick up a few new games, and I put off #1 through #3 indefinitely. That's been my routine for 26 years, and it seems the cycle is only broken when my incredibly high standards in gaming enjoyment cannot be met satisfactorily. [type, delete, type, delete]... hrmm... [type, delete, hrmmm...] My time has suddenly become significantly more precious for some reason. Silly game concepts seem so unimportant to me. It's as if I suddenly grew up without knowing it. #4 is really about setting a time on when I game. It's not even gaming, really - forums are a massive time sink too. Hell, I'm doing it right now on your comment thread. Basically, if I don't set a time and stick to it, before I know it the entire day will be gone. The very second I'm sitting there knowing that it's not time to game and it's time to do something else, some form of productivity is inevitable. Yah... :) I certainly appreciate you taking some time to give your thoughts. I needed the bounce back. The new knees you can slip in there at whatever priority you see fit. My sister has had some knee surgery done as well. Getting them tweaked to satisfaction may well be within the realm of possibility. You're going to want to speak to a physician or exercise expert about what kind of exercise is appropriate so as to not cause them undue stress. I don't know where I'm going to land with this one... Where's my list... #2. Quit game design #3. Start Exercising #4. Get new Knees (mine don't work very well) #5. Improve memory #6. Invest in my work. So, I looked into improving my memory and I keep running into the same things. Eat this or that and exercise. Although, the latest change is that alcohol might actually improve memory. :| I'm not sure what I'm looking for really. Perhaps a magic pill. I guess I need to try the exercise. Lets rearrange and update the list. - More Sleep | |
I have no clue what today is. I know you mentioned it in your post, butt.... That's about it. Fortunately I'm not much of an alcoholic because I can't afford it. :)