Today Gughunter reports the story of a massive burrito causing all kinds of mayhem at a middle school in New Mexico. I have a story of massive burritos and mayhem of my own.

The burrito in his story sounds a lot like the "Big Ed." I don't know if they still have it, but a chain around here called Green Burrito used to have this huge monstrosity that no mortal human should be forced to reckon with. It must have been like 5 -- no, maybe 10 -- pounds of meat and beans (don't you love how things get exaggerated over time?). Finishing just one Big Ed was a tremendous feat in itself, but apparently to the owners of the Green Burrito, that just made you a sissy. To be a real man in their eyes, you had to finish THREE Big Eds within a period of an hour or so. Apparently you'd get some prize or something.

So one evening, my friends and I stopped at the Green Burrito for dinner before seeing some crappy movie. They had all the requisite hoopla up on the walls, practically baiting their customers into ordering the burrito to end all burritos. At the time, I couldn't possibly let my reputation as a big eater falter, so my choice was clear. I ordered it. My friends became wide-eyed in amazement and anticipation. Bets started flying across the table as to what small percentage I would finish. I dismissed such pessimistic predictions with a snort; I knew I would conquer the Big Ed, even if it was the last thing I did!

Our food came, and sure enough, the Big Ed was big. Boy, was it big! Dare I say, it may have been even 20 pounds? My memory is a bit hazy. Everyone finished their meals in a normal amount of time, and I kept whittling away at my new arch-nemesis. Movie time was quickly approaching; I had to finish. I picked up the pace. Beads of sweat rolled down my face as I struggled to swallow each horrible bite of meat, beans, and flour. Yes, that's right - it was horrible. Worst burrito I ever tasted, and there was 30 pounds of it to get through! I didn't care, I had to finish it for pride alone.

And then... suddenly it was gone. I did it! The whole restaurant erupted in cheers. I ran a victory lap around the tables; people lifted me up on their shoulders in elation. Soon after, the joyous crowd spilled out of the restaurant and began tipping over cars, pulling down street signs, and setting things on fire in their raucous excitement. Word quickly spread throughout the region, and soon all of southern California was awash in violent mayhem on my behalf. I was champion of the world for a night, and I couldn't be more proud!

But there's something that will always haunt me about that night. Remember how the restaurant owners said you had to eat 3 Big Eds to win some prize? Unfathomable. After my horrible ordeal, I couldn't possibly imagine eating 3 Big Eds in a single lifetime, let alone in one sitting. That would be like carrying 3 Hussefelt Stones at once! Not possible.

Yet on the wall at the Green Burrito, was a huge plaque showing the only person who had ever accomplished this amazing feat. Some incredible behemoth of a 400-pound man, right? Nope. It was a tiny 100-pound woman. At 50 pounds per burrito, she had eaten 1.5 times her own weight in meat and beans in one sitting!

I asked to meet this woman. They said I couldn't. I asked why. "What's that!" They pointed and ran. Something seemed a bit suspicious. No ordinary human could possibly eat 300 pounds of burrito (and bad burrito at that!) in one sitting. I began to suspect that this was all a sham. In fact, I would even go so far as to propose that I, and I alone, was the only person ever to finish a single Big Ed! The restaurant owners, of course, were not expecting this. They had some sinister plans up their sleeves and I had foiled those plans by choking down every disgusting and revolting bite of that burrito. The plans will remain a mystery, but I grow more confident with each passing day that whatever happened that fateful night, I just may have unwittingly saved the world.

This is all true, just ask Tom -- he was there.