Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I'm up and ready to go, and well-situated in front of the TV. I'm in my favorite sweater for the occasion, and a little unnerved that Al Roker looks slimmer than I do. They're going over the guest list right now. So far it's a mix of names I know and names I don't, which is normal.

Oh frell, they're gonna do a song from Hair. I think I'd rather fish my hair out of the tub drain and chew on that for the duration of the number than actually listen.

Opening musical number. It certainly is flashy, but the songs don't hang together at all. I mean, how do you mix Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy and Kids In America?

Commercials. How do you get enough cash back from a Discover card to pay for a game console? Did this guy buy a house with it? Hey, Chuck is back!

There's something kind of old-Hollywood (which I mean in a good way, although I'm not sure how it could be meant in a bad way) about how NBC brings the stars of its new shows in front of the camera to try to drum up viewers.

Aw frell, here comes Hair. This won a 2009 Tony? Did Broadway suffer a dearth of new material this year? Did off-Broadway suffer a dearth of new material? Frickin' hippies. It's the worst song from that musical, too: Aquarius.

John Stamos is starring in Bye Bye Birdie? My sister's gonna laugh herself sick when she sees that. I forget if she did that show in college or high school or if she narrowly averted it, but she hates that play. Who better to lame it up than the legendary John Stamo's brother's brother?

Commercials. Shakira doing a Christmas show sounds... odd. You're supposed to wear something for those. Also, the aged film Parenthood is being brought to TV. Again. Did everyone forget they tried this spin-off thing once before? Better cast this time, but still.

Heeeere's Johnny. Put On a Happy Face. Can't Wal-mart get an injunction to stop this? Gads those pastels are hard to take. Is it just me or is a guy with slicked-back hair dancing with a bunch of schoolgirls one of those things that just doesn't translate well from the '50s? I mean besides the Uncle Jessie factor. Oh well, at least it isn't Dave Coulier. Right, Alanis?

Commercials: What if we all said no to fake food and yes to real? Well it's mayo, so for one thing I'd gag on it, for another I'm pretty sure it isn't one of those change-the-planet moments. Looks like they've made a remake of sorts to the classic 1980s "Peter's home" Folgers commercial--a true staple of modern Americana--and I think they did a nice job with the new one.

Billy Elliot as a musical strikes me as some kind of self-parody. This song Shine is a little iffy too, particularly where it breaks into the old wedding DJ favorite Celebration. The whole song sounds flat. But at least it's something new. Is it too late to give them Hair's Tony?

Joel Goddard gives us the altered parade route. I guess they're doing a different route this year, which has to really tick off anyone who used to live near the end of the march.

Jillian Michaels creeps me out. I'm not the first to say it, but she kind of looks like a dude. I think it's the square jaw.

A number from Shrek is up now. I bet my wife would like to see this, but she's sleeping through it.

Here come the Rockettes. How they kick so high remains a mystery. I like that we still have some traditions from the glory days of the entertainment industry. They're performing Christmas in New York, which sounds like it's just a medley of other songs. Ah, now it's turning into its own song.

Commercials. I admit I'm not that handy with a drill, but do we really need one with pictographs for each project?

I'm getting more used to Meredith Vieira. She's no Katie Couric or Regis Philbin, but at least the rest of The View didn't follow her. Good gads, can you imagine that? I sat through Aquarius because I love this parade so much, but if Barbara Walters was front and center I'd bail.

Aha, the head of the parade is here! It's nice that even though they have clowns, they're the non-creepy kind. And Spider-Man is the first balloon. Product placement shot of the GMC banner; I guess they're the official truck of the parade. I wonder how much I paid for that.

This first song kinda sucks. Whatever happened to the great lyricists?

Commercials. Hrm, a new Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker movie about a couple ending up in Alaska for some reason. Complete with stupid jokes about Sarah Palin, which is a sure sign they were thin on material. I like Hugh Grant but I think I'll give this one a pass.

I wonder why marching bands sound awesome, require vast technical skill, and yet being in one is such a mark of social failure.

Ah, Food Network has sponsored the classic turkey float. Gads I'm hungry. I really miss being able to eat pumpkin bread to take the edge off while smelling the turkey cooking to put the edge back on.

Hi-ho! Kermit the Frog here! And behind him is the Energizer Bunny. I really think this float would be way more awesome if the arms and drumsticks moved. And he spun around.

Ah, so Mitchell Musso is a co-star on Hannah Montana. That must be why I haven't heard of him. He's on a garden sprinkler float, because nothing says Thanksgiving like a... spring... theme. I actually like crappy teen pop, and I admit I miss Radio Disney (you may commence heckling), but I'm not sure I'm sold on this song.

The cast of Sesame Street! Sesame Street has a special place in my heart because I used to watch the show religiously as a kid. They taught me to read. I literally can't remember a time I couldn't read, and they get the credit. They're followed by the Abby Cadabby balloon, Abby being one of the newer characters I don't know.

Ah, I was wondering who Jay Sean was. Apparently he sings that over-modulated song Down that I keep changing the radio station on. It's actually not that bad a song I guess, but I just can't handle that much repetition--and I'll leave Lady Gaga on, so that's saying something. Hey, there's the fireman balloon!

The Buddha lion dance is sort of an odd fit for Thanksgiving, but it kind of works.

More kid stars. I haven't really heard of Keke Palmer before. This song isn't so bad. Speaking of kid stars, here comes Pikachu. I can't see Pikachu without thinking of a video remix done to a classic song by Mindless Self-Indulgence. Look it up; it's probably on YouTube. (NSFT.)

Oooh, M&M's. And Alan Cumming! He is invincible! And he sings That's Life with a Scottish accent! And the Shrek balloon is right behind him. How awesome would it be if they filled that with methane?

Enchanted castle. O the pink. Which I guess is the perfect setting for Cyndi Lauper's hair--and look, Cyndi is there too! I can't tell what she's singing. Neither can Joel Goddard, I guess, because he interrupted her to tell us "the Honorable Spongebob Squarepants" is coming. Was he elected mayor or something? Because he probably couldn't do a worse job than Bloomberg.

Gloria Gainer will survive. As disco goes this song is forgiveable, if only because it makes me want to watch The Replacements. That reminds me, I wonder what time the Detroit Lions will lose today.

And here comes Ronald McDonald. The balloon and the clown. Gads I'm hungry.

A Michael Jackson tribute. Well that was inevitable, wasn't it?

I have to give Boys Like Girls credit for coming out with a classic '80s-style duet. It's one of the more listenable pop songs on the radio. Makes me miss Peter Cetera though. He was a singer. Look it up.

Hey, Speed Racer's eyes aren't gigantic! And his nose and mouth look human! What kind of anime is this? I call shenanigans!

Holy crap, that's some crazy jumproping. I never mastered that skill. Now we have Yo Gabba Gabba. They seem to be a Nick Jr. show, but I have a feeling they're not going to spring Rick Astley on us. Kinda disappointing actually.

Now we have a wiener dog balloon, apparently a classic. Gary Larson was not available for comment. Hrm, so Katharine McPhee is a blonde now? And a country singer? Well this song is definitely country, so I'm calling Wikipedia a dirty liar for claiming she's a pop singer.

Spongebob Squarepants floats overhead. No mention of his elected office. Actually we could use him in Syracuse, because Stephanie Miner is going to run us into the freaking ground. She'll see to it the Destiny USA project is never finished and we end up with a ghost mall. I'd literally rather have a border collie running City Hall.

Wait, the "Octomom" is one of NBC's people of the year? I know she's sort of famous, but she's famous for being an idiot! Why are we celebrating stupidity?

Huh. You'd think Jamaicans would make better pirates. Instead we get a song about family time. At first I thought maybe it's not supposed to be a pirate ship as such, but nope, it's followed by a pirate balloon. I see a mutiny in someone's future.

Sailor Mickey is the next balloon, courtesy of Disney Cruises. Uh, does anyone else find it odd they chose Mickey instead of another iconic character who always wears a sailor suit? Donald can't catch a break. It must be racism.

The Oneida nation is doing a smoke dance on a turtle float. Interesting and very appropriate for Thanksgiving, but when they first came back from commercial I swear it sounded like they were singing We're Not Gonna Take It.

Jimmy Fallon, Mr. Idiot Boyfriend himself, is on top of a giant Gibson guitar with his band and singing a medly of Christmas songs. What's funny is he's covering iconic newer songs that no one has ever covered, and he's also doing the Bruce Springsteen version of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. I kind of love this. Although the '60s classic Joy to the World, which bears no relation to the famous Christmas carol, doesn't really fit as a closer.

Snoopy! I'll never forget being 11 years old and hearing his unique laughter as he floated directly overhead.

Who's Billy Currington? Oh, country singer. "God is great, beer is good, people are crazy." Really, that's the chorus? Good gads.

Truly the parade is divided into two groups: People who march ahead of the horses, and people who march behind the horses.

Space Jam. I had kind of hoped to repress that movie and its soundtrack forever. A lot of good things came out of the '90s, but that wasn't one of them. What was one of them was Buzz Lightyear, who is the next balloon, ironically flying with his wings retracted.

Oh, more than two groups. Apparently there are several waves of horses. Santa's elves have my pity.

There's a big apple float. How appropriate. I'd probably know who Cheyenne Jackson was if I still watched 30 Rock. I know the show is acclaimed and all but I just never got that into it.

Dora the Explorer is up. Her popularity escapes me, but then I'm not 3 years old.

Commercials. Fisher-Price has a train set thing. Toys are way cooler now than when I was a kid. When I was a kid it was rare to find a toy with more than one moving part.

Bello the clown shows us now not to use a trampoline. Ah, and more horses. And Mr. Peanut, chased by the Horton balloon. I wonder if they did that on purpose.

The Care Bears. I smell a song coming. Ah, and it's by Carly Simon. Man, she doesn't age. The formula for Dick Clark's mystery elixir appears to be improving.

Commercials. Okay, I don't know who this woman is shouting at me for Oxi-Clean, but I miss Billy Mays already. It's followed by the Aflac commercial with Rudolph, which is brilliant.

Another classic balloon, Chloe the holiday clown. Up comes a riverboat float. Apparently it's supposed to represent giving, which is odd considering the riverboat's history as a floating casino and the crucible that forged ultimate cynic Mark Twain. John Pizzarelli is singing about playing Santa. It's cute.

And now a marching band is playing Sweet Georgia Brown, which reminds me that we have a leg of The Amazing Race to watch. They have a pair of Globetrotters competing this season, if you didn't know. The producers are by no means sick of playing their theme music.

Hello, Kitty.

Commercials. These new Jeep ads really suck. Showing us 30 seconds of boring and then following up with "I am... Jeep" doesn't say your truck is exciting; it says your truck endorses this snooze-fest. Wow, effective local lawyer ad--screeching tires followed by a picture of a snowy two-car wreck. We haven't had that moment yet where the snow begins in earnest and you see about 5 SUVs by the side of any given road because their drivers forgot that power and traction are different concepts. It's coming.

Ah, Andrea Bocelli singing White Christmas while Emily Hughes skates. This is a beautiful float. I know it's a mushy sentiment but I really love that we have a float that's just a perfect slice of what we look forward to over the Christmas season.

Generic Smurf is the next balloon. You know, the one who wasn't a stereotype. Or I guess maybe he was.

Commercials. You know, when Joel Goddard delivers Jeep's slogan it sounds exciting instead of dull. Why didn't they hire him? Good new Ocean Spray commercial, ripping on dates and figs. I can't wait for the canned cranberry sauce.

Kermit the Frog is singing with Tiffany Thornton, another teen star I don't know. Wait, isn't this a Josh Groban song? Hrm, Google says no. Apparently it's a Kermit the Frog song. I like it better actually.

The Pillsbury Dough-Boy is the next (perhaps last?) balloon, making his parade debut. Which is kind of way overdue if you think about it, because one of the best parts of Thanksgiving and the Christmas season in general is all the pie. I hope my sister is making a cherry pie right now.

There go some classic elf balloons. I guess they're big enough to count.

Now in front of Macy's there's a Broadway-style kid performance of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. I'd like to go back to Macy's in New York someday. That was a heck of a trip.

Finally, it's the big guy himself, Santa Claus. Everybody knows the real Santa is at Macy's. And this is the end of the parade. The cast of the Today show is wrapping up now, with a nice nod from Al Roker to our armed forces.

Next is the dog show, which means it's either time to pop in Miracle on 34th Street or get in the car and head someplace where turkey and pie are cooking as we speak. Hopefully cherry pie. Cherry, I said. Also pumpkin. Have a happy Thanksgiving!