After a while of using AIM for work, I couldn't bear dealing with its utter crappitude anymore and I knew the newer versions contained quasi-spyware, so I headed off into uncharted territory and looked at two free alternatives: Pidgin and Trillian. I ended up using Pidgin, and have for some time now.

Pidgin is designed by that certain class of people that I like to derogatorily refer to as penguin-thumpers. That is, Linux-swilling clownholes. Please note I am not referring to people who like and live with Linux but recognize that not everyone is suited to it. I'm referring to the people who are so far gone over that they can't even fathom how the rest of the world gets along so well with Windows, and by extension, interfaces that make freaking sense. Windows apologists at least recognize that no matter what else, Apple has a good sense of user-friendliness. Penguin-thumpers think, at least on a subconscious level, that user-friendliness is for chumps.

Case in point as to why penguin-thumpers should not design interfaces: The GIMP is an image editing program with all kinds of advanced features that you can use for free instead of mortgaging your kidneys to buy Photoshop. (Or you can buy Photoshop Elements and get most of what you need, minus proper alpha channel support and such.) But because the GIMP was written for Linux and designed by penguin-thumpers, it is unwieldy and crash-happy in Windows as a result of its reliance on the craptacular GTK library. Commands are stuffed into menus where they make no sense; menus are difficult to access properly under Windows because the whole method of interacting with them is utterly different from anything normal; instead of one app window you get a thousand cluttery pieces of crap; and if you want to use a plugin, you'd better have a GCC compiler handy because its "plugins" are just separate programs.

On the open-source software interface scale of 0 being the GIMP, and 10 being Firefox, Pidgin falls somewhere around a 5. Fonts and styling are weird to work with properly--I can't have a conversation without having to hit the size-down arrow twice because it doesn't get that I'm not communicating with the legally blind no matter how often I try to tell it. I can't hit Ctrl+Enter to start a new line instead of sending a message because gosh, the designers just don't think that's worth implementing. Lots of little interface and preference annoyances are present, and lots will never be fixed because the design team is notorious for blowing off good suggestions. Pidgin is a deeply flawed program that nevertheless functions somewhat adequately, but I'd kick it to the curb in a minute to get the same level of functionality out of a much friendlier program.

Having lived with Pidgin for more than a year, I finally decided to take the plunge and try Trillian Basic. Trillian has been widely recommended and looked like every bit as nice a program as Pidgin, but way more powerful and customizable. Before ever sending a single message with it, I have come to one conclusion: As much as Pidgin sucks, Trillian sucks worse. This is all the worse a failure because Trillian is a professional product and they have a vested interest in getting me to upgrade to their Pro version.

For instance: At some point Trillian had privacy settings. I've seen significant evidence on the Web of this. So you could turn off "Allow users to see when I am typing", although I'd prefer to leave that on. I know not every network they can connect to supports this, but it's a good thing to have as an option. Can it be found anywhere in the preferences? No. Of the many option categories their preference settings window has, Privacy is not among them. Say it with me, kids: DUH!

Display of the contact list in Trillian is butt-ugly and almost completely uncustomizable. There is just no excuse for how bad this is--it's one of the core elements of the program and it's implemented like an afterthought. Offline contacts can't be hidden--they're always there. Everyone is always shown by group; you have no option to simply hide the groups. Whereas Pidgin has a nice shiny iPhone kind of look to its list of contacts, Trillian's is institutional and crummy; it's like comparing a preschool playroom to a run-down Soviet factory that's been gutted of anything useful.

As glitzy and pretty as Trillian's website and preference screen are, the main program itself is cramped and ugly. Sure it's skinnable, but skins aren't easy to browse on the company's website and they're not very numerous--many in fact are only designed for the pro version. And it's all tragically so avoidable. The main window looks like it was designed around the idea of holding different components, of which the contact list is one and the utterly useless identity panel is another. Why not create more than two standard components you could plug into the main window and then give them customization options? Not only does the contact list have next to nothing in the way of options, it looks like complete crap and says "You'll take it that way and like it". With all the options to be found on the preferences window, the options that are missing are glaringly so, and the considerable lack of options on all other menus is stark.

All this and I never even got to the messaging windows. For all I know they could be awesome, but they can't be awesome enough for me to forgive Trillian's other failings. In fact there is nothing I demand of those components beyond basic competence, an area where Pidgin comes up somewhat short; they can't possibly deliver a plus to the overall grade, only a minus. So on the basis of not having tested these features, I can say that for all I know, Trillian may be even worse than its core components led me to think all on their own.

For these reasons, where Pidgin gets about a C- in my book, Trillian gets a FAIL. Trillian is a professionally-produced program designed by actual people, that by all rights should be superior in every way to a second-rate open-source mess whose development team would rather treat users like idiots than fix glaring problems. It isn't; it sucks on toast. Judged on its own merit, not merely the fact that it ought to be better, it's a train wreck. For an instant messenger touted to be the "ultimate", the fact that I can't get past two screens without finding epic levels of inflexibility and lousiness is unforgivable. Great frelling gads.

Thanks but no thanks, Cerulean Studios; I'll stick with the incompetent I know. Feel free to let me know when you've picked up a clue or ten and I'll grudgingly reevaluate. Just know that when you come up short in comparison to a product that's already known to suck, you have an uphill climb ahead of you. Strap on that safety harness and meet me at the top; mind the spit.