In short, I can't sleep.
Why? I haven't been sleeping well lately for the past couple of months. Only somewhat recently did the concept of death REALLY sink in for me and I feel that it's hit me really hard.
I've always been a compulsive worrier. Whether it's one thing or another, I always worry about stuff. However, now my worries have taken a new turn into the morbid. I seriously cannot close me eyes in bed without my thoughts turning to the inevitability that one day my parents are going to die. I'm going to watch their bodies, in caskets, descend into the earth and I'll lose them forever. I'll be alone forever. And then eventually I will grow old and die, and my consciousness as I know it will cease to exist.
"But once you're dead you're not going to know so you won't care anymore!" I just can't get behind that line of reasoning and take any comfort from it, because I know about this NOW and it makes me sick to my stomach. Every time I've looked at my mom and dad these past couple of months, the predominant thought running through my mind has been "How much longer will I have before they're gone forever?" I try to spend time with them or talk to them but it all comes down to doing it for the sake not knowing if I'll ever get a chance to see them again. However, in doing so I feel so sick that I just know that once it does happen, I'm not going to feel any better about it.
I just finished rummaging through the kitchen cabinets to try finding some sleeping pills (just to take one) because I really don't feel like I can keep going to sleep the way I've been lately; staying up in worry and fear until I practically collapse from physical/mental exhaustion. Of course, I never found the medicine or I doubt I'd be typing this right now.
I've tried talking to my mother about this but she has enough problems of her own that she has to deal with every day. Does she really need to be reminded of her own mortality from her son through his selfish complaints about not getting to bed on time on top of that?
I don't know what to do.
ID:36141
 Oct 26 2007, 6:16 pm
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I'll give your post another read-through in the morning. I agree with the gist of it (well, maybe except for the 'go out and party' part because I've never been like that :P) but I'm finally getting to that "exhausted" feeling I've been waiting for and the bed is looking much more appealing now than it was half an hour ago!
I suppose seeing a psychiatrist would be good. I just feel antsy over the idea of having to see a shrink in general, since when I talked to my mother about this, she said that it was actually quite normal and common. Then again, she is going through her own stress as I mentioned before...I didn't really think of it from that point of view before. | |
Cavern isn't totally correct, thoughts of this nature are normal, some people just let them get to them more than others. Usually caused by not having anything more concerning to fill your thoughts at the time, so the 'final thought' takes up your thoughts instead. Cavern was right about trying to find more things to occupy you, which will give you more to think about, which will give you less time to think about what you don't need to be thinking about.
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find god.
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I used to be like that. I found a partner and realised that she would be with me (JOKES ON ME!) and stop me from being lonely.
I realised, that when (if) I'm married, my partner will always be there to keep me company. They might not be a replacement for the ones who raised me. But consider this, one day, you might be a parent as well. And all that love for your parents will be transferred down to your child. | |
Not wanting to sound condescending but: teebs you've known that everyone dies for your entire life; why should it be a problem now?
Tiberath's right, get a hobby, or a girlfriend (they are the best kind of hobby). That's what everyone else does to stave off mortality*. Everyone is going to die by definition and there's not much you can do about that, so it's better to value their life whilst it's there, then value the immortal things things they pass on- such as lessons learned, morality, or a pretty good knock knock joke. *else you could go insane and maybe embark on a worldwide journey to try and become an immortal God to satisfy your flawed life's dreams and worries. Over the mellienia you become twisted and cruel, cold to others and abusive of your powers. Conquering life hasn't been enough for you, now you desire ultimate power; but it will be your undoing. A young village boy, armed with only a wooden sword and an internet weblog will vow to destroy you after you rape his hometown, and ultimately destroy you forever (but not before you plant the seeds of malice inside his own mind). All hail the mighty Sarm! | |
Heh. Thanks for that, everyone. I'm feeling better now. Sorry if I came off like an attention whore with this journal post.
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No prob Sarm, we love you buddy.
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Isn't that what blogs are for?
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CALM DOWN!
Honestly man. How old are you? Are you a teenager? In your twenties? Whatever, it doesn't matter. You are young. You have your entire life to live, stop worrying so much. Why would these things cross your mind? Honestly? Life is short, but not that short. You might be going through depression right now. If not, then you should see somebody. Like a professional, not your parents.
Thinking like that is not normal, and none of those thoughts should be going through your head. Look at the bright side of life. Go outside, party, have fun, hang out with your friends, do whatever it is you have to do. Get a girlfriend. Read some books about this, I am pretty sure they will say things like: This comes from not doing anything with your life. If all you do is sit at the computer and watch television, and etc. etc. you will have unnatural thoughts. I have no idea why, but I'm guessing that is what is happening to you. Well, something along the lines of that.
You need to think of the cup as half full, not half empty. You need to look at the bright side of life. The good things in life.
Just chill out.