Thanks, its the Stem Cells.doc file on the right hand side, constructive criticism is welcomed, thanks in advance. That is page one of my paper by the way. I was originally going to go with abortion, but I decided it's best to stay as close to neutral as possible with a sensitive topic.
http://members.byond.com/Strawgate/files/Stem%20Cells.doc
Want to send me changes? Post that you sent changes in comments, and email the changes to, uslikestonuke "at" hotmail "dot" com
I accidently posted the unproofed copy, so the copy posted has huge fixes, aswell as many fixes submitted by fellow byonders(Thanks ScouSin)
ID:27690
 Feb 22 2007, 5:15 pm (Edited on Feb 22 2007, 6:37 pm)
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Feb 22 2007, 5:45 pm
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Audeuro
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I e-mailed you a revision with some of the changes that D4RK3 mentioned made. Well, the ones that I caught. I didn't catch the use of 'there' instead of 'their,' I don't think.
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If my credibility is in question, I'm in AP English IV for my high school (college-level class for seniors). But just the same, I am very lazy. Consider it rationalizing for and against my credibility.
Note also that I didn't read Saber's post, so some of my revisions may be copies of his: First sentence: uncapitalize politicians, priest's, and doctors. Also change priest's into priests. None of those are names so they shouldn't be capitalized, and when saying plural, you don't use an apostrophe. Also in your first sentence, the first comma could be replaced with a colon (indicating a list is coming up). If you add the colon, put an "and" before "Phil", but after the comma, to indicate you are ending the list. Also if you use the colon, put a period after "Phil your next door neighbor". If you keep going with another comma, the sentence becomes a run-on sentence. Second sentence: This is assuming you took the above revisions and added a period between neighbor and everyone. Capitalize "everyone", since it is the start of a sentence (just in case you didn't already). The "there" in "everyone will have there" should be "their", because their means possession (I am their fool would mean they have me as their fool). In that same sentence, change "opinion's" into "opinions". In "Everyone will have their opinion", I would add an "own" between "their" and "opinion", because the word "own" will make the sentence flow from the first portion to the second more clearly. I would remove "and udder" from the sentence, simply because "utter" (the correct spelling) is one of those words that should never be used in essays (English teachers will eventually make a mark for it). Third sentence: change "cell's" to "cells". "cells that are can morph" is way too wordy and redundant, so remove the "are". Remove the comma directly after "organ" and before "or muscle", because a comma is not necessary to make a stop, since the word "or" is used as a linking word in the sentence. Between "human body" and "they are", add a semicolon. You are ending a complete thought, but it links to another complete thought, so a semicolon would go there instead of a period (and a comma isn't appropriate because it would make two complete thoughts, turning the sentence into a run-on). Capitalize "they" after the semicolon if you didn't already do so. The rest of the sentence seems grammatically correct, but a little wordy. I don't have any easy corrections for it though. Fourth sentence until the end of the paragraph: Make "topic's" into "topics". After hand, put a colon to indicate a following list. Turn "Cell's" into "Cells". Same thing for the following sentence. This is just the first paragraph. I'll give much more brief corrections for the rest in a following comment or so. | |
I've emailed you a revision, in which I deleted any errors I found and generally improved the grammar. One thing to keep in mind, apostrophes indicate possesive, not plural.
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First sentence: "The Wikipedia definition of a stem cell, is" would lead into the quote better as "The Wikipedia definition of a stem cell is;", since a semicolon leads into almost any quote cleanly, and there isn't a need for a pause before "is".
Second sentence (not the quote, after that): I see no errors here. Third sentence: "Cell's" should be "Cells". "muscle's" should be "muscle", the word "a" indicates that the following word is a singular tense noun. Fourth sentence: "Cell's" should be "Cells", in both instances. Change "were being used in" to "are being used in". Your entire essay is in present tense thus far, and were is past tense, so make it a present tense "are". Make "hundred's" into "hundreds". Fifth sentence: "Cell's" should be "Cells". "federal funding for Stem Cell's, passed" should be "federal funding for Stem Cells passed", because of the apostrophe error, and because the comma is just unnecessary. Next paragraph to come. | |
First paragraph: "reason's" should be "reasons". "some of them horribly wrong, and some of them have a base behind them" should be "some of them are horribly wrong, but some of them have a base behind them", because without the "are", the sentence part becomes a broken thought, and I changed the "and" into a "but" because a change of view is indicated by a word such as "but" (which is what you do in that part of the sentence).
Second sentence: No problems here. Third sentence: Remove the comma in "statement, is that". Turn "heartbeats develop, which" into "heartbeats develop. Which", because continuing the sentence makes it a run-on (and you need a capitalized starter). Turn "Which is during" into "This happens during", to make the sentence link to the previous one, and flow better. Fourth and fifth sentence: "The Wikipedia definition of murder states, “Murder" should be "The Wikipedia definition of murder states; “Murder", because the semicolon leads into the quote. Remove the comma in the sentence following the quote. Sixth sentence: "costly, then the benefits" should be "costly than the benefits", because the comma is unnecessary and the word "than" means difference, while "then" is used in referencing time. Seventh sentence: "Four Hundred Thousand" should be without caps entirely. "embryo's" should be "embryos" in both instances. After "United States Alone", add a period instead of a comma, then capitalize "the" in "the majority", otherwise the sentence becomes a run-on. Eighth sentence: "Fertilization, this process generates huge numbers of unused embryo's, these embryo's are either placed in storage permanently, or get destroyed" should be "Fertilization; This process generates huge numbers of unused embryos, which are either placed in storage permanently, or destroyed" because first of all, two complete thoughts are made that link to each-other, so a semicolon is appropriate instead of the comma. Also, you have a list of two options as a result of a fact, so a smaller list is more useful for you, which is what I provided in the revised form. Ninth sentence: "embryo's" should be "embryos". "in a storage are taking up" should be "in storage taking up" because "a" and "are" are too wordy and unnecessary there. Tenth sentence: "embryo's" should be "embryos". "then" should be "than". "every" should be "ever". "could, and In" should be "could. In", or you'd end up with a run-on. "god" should be "God", it is used as a name in your context. The comma in the latter part of that sentence seems out of place, and I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say there. Try reading it again and forming a revision to get your point across clearer. Eleventh sentence: "embryo's" should be "embryos". Last paragraph coming up. | |
Second sentence: "Well, in America," should be "Well, in America". "approximately, 3,700" should be "approximately 3,700" because the comma is unnecessary.
Fourth sentence: "stem cell's" should be "Stem Cells". Fifth sentence to end: "Here is the original sentence: The mother has made her mind, why not take the stem cells out of the embryo and use those for research, that way we aren't killing anyone, and they've got all the aborted embryo's they could ever want, and plus, once you've got a working stem cell line, they will multiple(Actually they will divide) and the number needed would decrease dramatically." Here is my revision: "The mother has made her mind, so why not take the stem cells out of the embryo and use those for research? That way we aren't killing anyone, and they've got all the aborted embryos they could ever want. Plus, once you've got a working stem cell line, they will multiply (Actually they will divide) and the number needed would decrease dramatically." Best of luck on your essay mate. | |
ScouSin, you don't capitalize either word in "stem cells" unless you happen to be opening a sentence (just capitalize Stem then) or running a headline. It's not a proper noun or phrase by any stretch of the imagination.
Also, your revision sucks. That's way way too informal for an essay. | |
No where on that entire page does it say the word essay, and the reason its called a draft, is because its not perfect.
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some good info. i like the idea of the 4th paragraph. you should emphasize on that a little bit. and your ending sentence about the dieing of old age is impressionable, but kind of..odd, lol.
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