Such fucking horseshit dude. So Scyther appears in my vicinity but I'm in the shower as I see his silhouette pop up. So I'm like "oh shit, Scyther, but I can't walk around right now, so I'll buy an incense and bring him to me". I click on the shop which takes like 10 seconds to come up, and then logging in it kept telling me I was typing the wrong password. Finally after logging into my Paypal, the purchase confirmation takes another 30-60 seconds, by the time I close all the shit out, Scyther is literally visible but clicking on him does nothing. I go back into my items to use the incense I just bought and he's vanished off my map completely nowhere to be found.

God damnit Niantic.

I noticed there was a PokeStop like a 3 minute walk away from my house. I put on some clothes, brushed my hair, walked out of my house, down the street, stepped in some mud because it started raining, a jogger nearly ran into the back of me because I wasn't paying attention and apparently neither was he, and after wiping the water off my tablet, I go to connect to the wifi hotspot near the PokeStop only to realize I don't know my login credentials.

So, I turn around and start walking back home, but now there's two big tree cutting trucks on the street, so I have to walk around another side street to get to my house. I go to the other side street and dodge some cars ( I walked in the street because the sidewalk was covered in mud ), get back to the house and then scramble to find my hotspot login crap. I find the hotspot login crap, eat a banana for some last second nourishment, and then head back out.

I login to the wifi and I'm tapping the PokeStop token thing vigorously and nothing is happening. I'm like "Oh hell naw, I just walked from my house to the PokeStop, back to my house and then back to the PokeStop again. YOU BETTER DISPENSE ME MY ITEMS."

I switch over to the Chrome app on my tablet and search "how to use a PokeStop" and it turns out you have to swipe right on the token, not tap. So, the moment of truth arrives. I go back to the game, swipe right and I receive not one, not two, but THREE WHOPPING POKEBALLS!

Isn't that amazing guys? Spending like 15 minutes running back and forth in the street in the rain like a maniac just to get 3 Pokeman balls. Not even great or ultra balls, just regular freaking Pokemans balls.

I'm this close to uninstalling this game off my tablet.

I'm almost level 5. That means tomorrow I will start gym battling.

Prepare your anuses, trainers of the world. I'm coming for dat ass.

And I will show the minimum amount of mercy possible.

Here are my closing thoughts on my first day of Pokemans Go.

I faced many hardships today. From the wifi complications, to running in the rain to reach the PokeStop only to receive 3 measly balls, to Scyther being dangled in my face and then snatched away at the last second, and even server crashes. Eventually it got to the point where I had to stop and ask myself "What's the point?"

Everything was going wrong. I looked down at my phone in despair. Battery at 28%. A Pokemans collection consisting primarily of stupid ass Rattatas. No more incense left. Just as I was about to swipe down to open the Apps list and uninstall, I saw my highest CP Pokemans staring back up at me.



As I gazed into the eyes of Parasect, I knew she was trying to communicate with me. She was sending me a message not to give up. She reminded me that my journey has only just begun. Nobody said the trainer life would be easy. Filled with determination, I renamed her to "Parasexy" and vowed to become world champion at Pokemans Go. She gripped my throbbing member with her snappy snappers, completing the consummation of our relationship, bonding us for eternity.

I have become one with my Pokemans and Pokemans are one with me.

This is my destiny.

The only thing left to do... is 360noscope some gym leader plebs with Parasexy.

oh man downtown and my campus is legit a pokestop every few metres. someone used three lures on pokestops that were side by side to each other and it was beautiful

Anybody who thinks I'm BSing about Scyther being stupidly retarded to catch, skip to 16:20 and watch what happens when this guy tries to catch one.



It's like Niantic put Scyther in the game just to piss us off.

Ghost of ET wrote:

Scyther was also very hard to catch in pokemon fire red if i remember rite.

Yes he was. I actually did a run through in one of the Pokemon games ( I think it was FR but it could've been G/S/C ) where I only caught and used Bug types and I remember spending an ungodly amount of time walking around waiting for a Scyther to appear.

You know what? We can all agree I don't ask for much, right guys? I'm a simple man. All I wanted was an electric Pokemans this morning because I don't have one yet.

So after I left the post, I went in and evolved my Eevee. Now I don't know what the percentages are and all that crap but sure enough it skips over Jolteon and gives me Flareon. Like 4 gyms nearby have Flareons. WHY DOESN'T NIANTIC WANT PEOPLE TO HAVE JOLTEON?

But then after I get my stupid Flareon, PIKACHU shows up. I'm like "hell yes, this will make up for the fact that I didn't get Jolteon!" So I tap on Pikachu and I somehow manage to whiff the first two throws, so I'm immediately tilted. The third throw is "nice", yet Pikachu bursts out after the 1st ball wiggle and then disappears in a cloud of smoke. Like, wtf? Since when did Pikachu become a ninja-type Pokemans? After losing out on 2 opportunities for an electric type I was just done.

But I continued sitting there anyway. "Keep hope alive" I thought to myself. BAM, Pinsir appears. Somehow this 336 CP Pinsir was an easier catch than both Pikachu and an Abra ( which spawned after Pinsir ), which doesn't make any sense to me, but whatever. Caught Pinsir who is now my highest CP ( Flareon being 2nd highest ), and got a Psychic Pokemans, so thats cool.

I'm not even going to think about fighting gyms at the moment. The lowest CP I've seen at the nearby gyms is like 800ish, my Pinsir would get demolished.

Also another thing I'm finding hilarious is how some people try to hide the fact they are playing Pokemans. One of my coworkers who looks like a complete nerd walked past where I had set up my lure staring into his phone, then when he looked over and noticed me, he started speed walking down the street. Like seriously bro, you're not fooling anyone. I know you just used this PokeStop. You're a Pokefag just like me, own up to it. I bet he was Team Mystic too. No one from superior #Team Valor would ever be ashamed to stand up for the Pokemans they believe in. Damn beta males.

Anyway, that is all for now. I will be setting up another lure at that location when I get off work in a few hours.

Wow, that's lame. No one told me the moveset determines which Eevee sister it turns into. I thought it was just a random 33% chance.

Also, one thing I'm noticing is that Pokemans spawn faster if you close the game and reopen it. It's like it causes the Pokemans nearby you to refresh their locations or something, which causes some to disappear but causes new ones to show up instantly. The first 10 mins I wasn't rebooting and only 2 Pokemans showed up. When I started closing the game I was able to catch like 4 in 3 minutes. This also seems to have a weird effect on the GPS where when the game boots back up, it'll be scrambling to find your location and for a few seconds, it'll have you standing across the street somewhere.

This is useful as I was sitting in a building across from a park swarming with PokeStops, and after I restarted the game, for some reason, GPS thought I was actually in the park across the street and so my character was sitting on top of one of those PokeStops. I tapped it quickly and got 4 items before GPS was able to kick in and set me back to my actual location.

And also one more tip. Sometimes if the server is being lame, use another device. I have a phone and an NVIDIA Shield tablet. When the server is acting retarded on one device I'm usually able to play the game on the other with no issues. This happened yesterday when for some reason my phone wouldn't connect to the game I just whipped out muh tablet and logged in fine.

Ghost of ET wrote:

Cant play pokemon go on my 3ds, don't own a cellphone or an android.

I wasnt one of the millions to have downloaded pokemon gu...

Well you need to get a god damn phone so you can walk out into oncoming traffic with your head facing downward like some sort of zombie and give Niantic access to your soul in its entirety just so you can post a picture of the Pidgey you caught today on Facebook.

THIS JUST IN: You can use HTML in Pokemans names. The only drawback is the tags count toward the max character limit, meaning if you use HTML, your Pokemans name can only be 5 characters long. Get out there and bold or italicize your Pokemans names!