ID:19427
 
After a long writing of a paper for a class, I needed it proofed, and in a hurry, if possible. I have the class tomorrow and must get the paper in, I was suppose to have class mates check it but I didn't have it done, so if anyone could please help me out here I would be very grateful.

"Unbelievable Events" By Danial.Beta


Danial sat there the night before. An empty text document in front of him. That paper really wasn't writing its self. The paper had been due for a week and he really had no idea what to write. Every day for a week he had opened a new text document to finally start the paper, and every day an unbelievable event had prevented him from creating his overdue paper. Perhaps this time, it would finally get done.

On Wednesday he sat down to start writing when he heard a loud crash from outside. Assuming it was a wreck, he jolted outside to see how he could help. When he got out there he saw a three car pileup. Driving the front car was Jeff Gordon, who claimed he saw a black cat and braked rapidly to prevent from crossing its path. This was not unusual, for there where many strays on the street at night. In the second car was driven by Chuck Norris. He said that it was not Jeff Gordon's fault, but rather it was his own fault for trying to use his Bo-Flex while driving. The last car was driven by a pirate. He didn't have much to say, but he was constantly claiming that Jeff and Chuck were land lubbers. By the time the insurance company and police had finished it was far too late for him to write the paper, because he had work in the morning.

About the time Danial sat down on Thursday he was interrupted by the sound of a scream. He raced downstairs only to see a man in a ski mask robing him house blind! He didn't know what to do, the was nearly twice his size and holding a gun. Right around the time that he decided to do something about the robber, Spiderman flew through the front door! It didn't take Spidey much effort to take the robber out. Spidey didn't instantly sling away like one might expect. Instead he was nice enough to help Danial clean up the house. While they worked, Danial asked Spidey many questions. Among them, only one was worth mentioning. Spidey made his suit out of a some old PJs he had that were actually meant to go to Goodwill the day Spidey got his powers.

Friday morning started the trouble for that day. Danial awoke to the sound of firecrackers. His friend, Michael, was shooting them off from outside his door. As Danial queried him on why he was lighting firecrackers at 7a.m., and at his doorsteps no less, Michael just answered by handing Danial some firecrackers. They had a fun time shooting off firecrackers, but all of the noise attracted the local authority and they hauled both of them off to the station for possession of illegal explosives. After five hours at the station they where finally released on a warning, but the cops confiscated all of the fireworks. As if the lost five hours and fireworks weren't enough, Danial also missed the class that in which his paper was due. His friend Michael wanted to make up for the mistake of bringing the firecrackers by taking Danial to another state to get more illegal fireworks. Despite the lack of logic, Danial agreed and the remainder of the evening was spent in another state acquiring fireworks.

Saturday was bogged down by a twenty-four hour contest of wits and stamina. He had to create a simple but complete game in twenty-four hours based on a keyword, and the keyword was 'plunder'. 'Plunder' really seemed like a great word him because he was a pirate. “What could be easier?”, he thought. Evidently, almost any word could have been easier. The first four or so hours was spent coming up with a game idea and mapping it out. The next ten where spent doing the dirty work of programming it and the remaining ten where spent bug fixing and perfecting it. All in all, he was happy with his creation and felt that he would do well, but by the contest end he was tuckered out. He fell asleep around 3 A.M. Sunday morning.

Sunday was spent mostly sleeping. After the programming contests the day before, he had slept until noon and when he finally awoke he had many chores to do. Mowing the lawn was slow and painful for him, as usual. Once he finally got the yard done, he came in only to discover that his cats had gone wild and tore up the house while roughhousing. Almost everything was cleared off the tables and all the lamps knocked over. Those darn cats where always making messes and bouncing through the house like they owned the place. After he got their mess cleaned up it was bedtime again and that class for the paper was tomorrow. This was really annoying to him, but he was a master at procrastinating and he could come up with an excuse on the spot with no problems.

Monday started out odd, but nothing unbelievable. He woke up on time for once, and made it to work with a few minutes to spare. He had to go to class on his lunch break, so he grabbed something from a local fast food joint for lunch and ate on his way. As he was driving back to work he saw a small group of pirates. They were fighting off an army of ninjas who where trying to steal the pirates booty. Being a pirate himself, he could not just drive by. He had to do something! He pulled his car over and jumped out with his trusty sword in hand. Although the pirates put up a hell of a fight, their numbers where thin and the ninjas had come with nearly a legion. Danial jumped in and quickly turn the tide in favor of the pirates. The battle was long and both sides fought hard. In the end, the pirates won over the thieving ninjas. Danial was hardly in any shape to write a paper. He made it home after this fierce battle and hit the bed immediately. Unfortunately he did not get the paper written that night.

A new day had come and still no paper. Tuesday was here and Danial really needed this paper done. He had no more time to procrastinate and if another one of these crazy unbelievable events happened again, he would surely not be able to finish the paper. He opened up a new blank document and sat there. The hardest thing to happen to him all week happened right then; writers block. “Narratives are so hard. Nothing interesting ever happens to me. How am I going to find a topic to write about?”, he shouted in his head. About an hour of thinking, he decided to write some fiction.

He wrote like the wind. The paper flew from his fingertips like his brain was connected to the computer. After a solid hour of writing and reviewing, he was done. A paper, correctly formatted and as grammatically correct as he could get it. He was done. He saved the document, closed his word processor, and went to bed.


Thank you very much for whoever will help me out here. THANKS!
The paper had been due almost a week and he really had no idea what to write.

Somethings wrong there. Almost a week ago?

Everyday for week he had opened a new text document to finally start the paper, and everyday for a week and unbelievable event had prevented him from creating his overdue paper.

Every day for "a" week, perhaps?

That is all I got to so far, my mom wants me to get some things done. I'll look it over more in a bit.
Thanks Evi.

More help is welcome! You guys are replacing my "Peer review" time for class so that I may yet get a good grade.

[edit] Made those changes. [/edit]
I would help, but it's 2 AM and I'm far to lazy to read it. <3 anyway
I think you mean "Every day" rather than Everyday. Everyday means commonplace.

I think saying "for a week" twice in one paragraph is a bit redundant. I think simply saying "Every day he opened a new text document..." is fine.

"On Wednesday he had sat down"

According to Google, pile-up needs a hyphen.

"In the second car was drove DRIVEN by Chuck Norris."

Also, give that Chuck Norris line a period. When you extend it with commas it appears to become a run-on sentence.

Another "was drove" mistake with the pirate.

"He didn't have much to say, but HE was constantly claiming..."

Speaking of which, "land lubbers" alone isn't a very powerful phrase. Maybe you can mix it up with a 5-6 word "pirate insult" that can brighten the sentence.

Also, no 'h' in "where land lubbers". Were as in werewolf.

I think the third paragraph would start off better if you rementioned the character's name. You're using a lot of "he" and it seems to blur the story a bit.

"He didn't know what to do, the man was holding a gun and was nearly twice his size."

Switch "holding a gun" and "nearly twice his size". I'm not positive, but to some people it may make the reader think "the gun is twice the size of the character?"

Also, "holding a gun" is a generic description. Is he keeping the gun trained on the main character? Is he pointing it to any specific part of his body? Is he just keeping it slouched in his hand? Tidy that up a bit and I think the sentence would improve.

"Right about AROUND the time"

"...decided to do something about the robber" makes the reader think that the main character is completely apathetic to the fact that there's an armed man in his house.

"Spiderman flew into the front door!" That's gotta hurt. Did he fly through an open front door instead?

"It didn't take Spidy much effort to take the robber out."

It didn't take you much effort to write that line, did it? :P You can still say that apprehending the robber was effortless, but still describe how he went about doing that. Write as though the reader has never heard of Spiderman before.

"Spidy didn't instantly sling away like one might expect. He was actually nice enough to help Danial clean up the house."

This part makes me feel that those two sentences were one at some point in time. Maybe you could add "Instead" to the beginning of the second sentence. I'd get rid of the word "actually" though.

Also, I don't know if this is being nitpicky or not, but I believe Spiderman's namesake is best shortened as "Spidey" with the 'e' in it.

"Among them, only one was worth mentioning, Spidy made his suit out of a some old PJs he had that where actually meant to go to goodwill the day Spidy got his powers."

Run-on sentence. You could replace the second comma with a period and it would be just fine, though. Same "where/were" problem. Goodwill is an organization so it's a proper noun. Capitalize that.

"His friend, Michael, was outside his door shooting them off."

I REALLY want to see someone shooting exploding doors into the sky. That'd be fun. :P I think "His friend, Michael, was shooting them off from outside his door." would be better.

"firing off firecrackers" doesn't sound right. Lighting firecrackers is better, since it's not verbally redundant. Fire fire. Pizza pizza.

"They had a fun time shooting off firecrackers, but all OF the noise attracted the local authority and they hauled both of them off to the station for possession of illegal explosives."

Local authority? Do you really mean there was only one police officer in town? Otherwise it should be plural.

"After about five hours at the station"

"Danial also missed the class that his paper was due in."

I THINK this is ending a sentence with a preposition. Nobody cares in casual speech, but I think this would be better instead. "Danial also missed the class in which his paper was due."

"'Plunder' really seemed like a great word TO him because he was a pirate."

Also, when did he become a pirate? That comes out of left field. Maybe because he's fascinated with pirates? Either that or "internet pirate" but you may need to follow up on what that would be. :P

"The first 4 or so hours..." "The next 10 or so hours..." Don't use "or so" more than once. You wear it out.

"All in all, he was happy with his creation and felt that he would do well, but by then he was tuckered out."

But by when? After the 24 hours? Clarify.

"He fell asleep at around 3a.m. Sunday morning."

A.M. and P.M. are capitalized. Also, "at around" are contradicting each other. "At" means precisely whereas "around" means roughly. Pick one or the other, but don't use both.

"Sunday was spent sleeping, mostly." I think "Sunday was mostly spent sleeping" would be better.

"he had slept until about noon"

Same problem with precision versus estimating. Just pointing it out in case you miss it.

"This really was annoying to him" Reverse "really" and "was" and I think it would be better.

"Monday started out odd, but nothing unusual." Odd means unusual. Can you do something about this?

"He had to go to class on his lunch break, so he just grabbed something from a local fast food joint for lunch and ate on his way."

"As he was driving back to work he saw a small group of pirates fighting off an army of ninjas who where trying to steal the pirates booty."

This isn't very helpful, I know, but something about this line doesn't sound right. Can you rewrite?

"eing a pirate himself, he could not just drive by, he had to do something!"

Run-on. "He had to do something!" will be fine as its own sentence.

"He pulled his car over and jumped out with his trusty sword in hand."

I suppose this sentence is alright, but I think it'll add a bit of flair to the story if you describe where he kept the sword before he grabbed it. Overhead mirror flap? Front seat compartment? Trunk?

"Although the pirates had put up a hell of a fight, their numbers where thin and the ninjas had come with nearly a legion."

I think this entire portion should be lengthened into a battle scene, or at least one from Danial's point of view. Otherwise the reader sees "Oh, there was a battle. I joined it. We won." If you leave that sentence as-is, don't forget the "where/were". I'd also address "Although the pirates had put up a hell of a fight."

"Unfortunately he did not get the paper wrote WRITTEN that night."

"It was he had no more time to procrastinate"

What? I think you started a sentence and then began another before removing the first one. It'll be fine if you remove "It was".

"The hardest thing to happen to him all week happened right then, writers block."

I think you'd use a semicolon instead of a comma. Still, I like the little twist you made in this sentence. Keep that.

“ Narratives are so hard, nothing interesting ever happens to me. How am I going to find a topic to write about?”, he thought loudly.

You've got a space between your beginning quotation marks, and the first sentence is a run-on. Also, thought loudly? Maybe he spoke to himself. If so, say that he did so.

"About AFTER an hour of thinking, he decided to write some fiction."

"The paper just flew from his fingertips like his brain was connected to the computer."

"A paper, correctly format and as grammatically correct as he could get it."

Correctly formatted, you mean?

And I think that's all from me. I'm no English teacher, though. I hope you don't mind that I tore apart your paper in doing this. :)
Thanks a bunch Sarm. I too most of your recommendations and I have updated the copy on my blog.
"In the second car was DRIVEN by Chuck Norris."


Shouldn't that be "The second car..." or "and the second car..."
In doesn't seem to fit there.
You are right, but it is too late to fix that now! I have turned the paper in and only time will tell what my grade will be.

The interesting part about the story is that most of the events named actually happened, just differently. Tonight I will give a breakdown of the actual events to my story versions, just for comedic value.