Xooxer, question:

I know this might sound stupid, but would you give up all your years of suffering for your state of being now?

Would you give up that in exchange for being an 'internet moron', typing in all capitals like your mum?

[EDIT] Redone

Hell, Xooxer you seem to have a hard life. I thought my life was hard just from have my parents that cared for me in ways I couldn't realize until I was 16. Doing everything they say, doing it right. I'd be doing it for hours are the time, staying out side moving full trees, staying out cutting the grass with some scissors or something. But, I guess some people are pretty +++ sick (parate or whatever that sick +++ name was).

Like I stated, in my other post your mom/parents DID love you. I mean really, they didn't just wake up one day and go, "Lets go +++and have a child. Then, lets put him up for adoption because we want his life to be a living hell." They didn't know everyone would treat you like trash, just me.. I don't even have to know them to know they wouldn't want that. Really Xooxie, do you see them like this? I understand it's a little a harder to see it on your side, but try to see it from the outside in... your mom's eyes.

You know coming from me, I'm Ryne Rekab... "What you said to your mom was some of the worst +++ I've ever seen." You know how I act, how does it feel to be worst than me, in some way?

-Angel

Wow, this thread made me think... Of course, I have no real opinion that could effect any of yours, we all have our own situatations, best course is to go by how you feel. The whole adoption case, your mother may have or may not have been in a situation to give you up, look into that. Oh yeah, Angel, theres no proof that his mother loved him at one time, he might have been an "accident". Cold to think about, but possibly true. Well, anyways, keep on keeping.

-Super Squirrel

Yes.

There's no honest way you can call him a moron without actually being in his shoes, in this case. From what he said before I'd probably much rather be an internet moron typing in all caps than have to remember things like that everytime I wake up in the morning. Also think, I'm sure the line isn't drawn at what he put in that e-mail.

They say ignorance is bliss, but it is still bliss.

You are not in his shoes, and sometimes it does seem like it would be easier to just live the perfict little life. I would not agree with him either, but I have a feeling he know a thing or two more about his life than we do.

You see, though, the difference between you and me is, you care for your mother. I don't. I don't know these people. I have no feelings for them other than the feelings I've always had towards life.

Before they contacted me and all this weirdness came back into my life, I had always suspected that the state of New York had pulled us from their home for some stupid reason like them being poor, or some sort of drug use. I've seen it happen many times. My anger was always directed at a faceless judge and the state of New York. But, when I learned the truth, learned that she just gave us up because it was too hard, it altered the direction of my anger from a faceless judge to them.

She has told me time and again that she never gave up looking for me and my brother Chris, but I just don't believe it. In order for us to be adopted in the first place, she had to sign papers stating she no longer wanted parental control over our lives, basically divorcing herself from us. This happened long after we were already in the system. Seems odd that a person who loved and missed me so much would sign my life away like that. She didn't have to. We were no longer living with her, we weren't a burden, but we were still hers. Once she signed those papers, though, all that changed.

What's more, my half-sister Chelsie was also put up for adoption, another castaway. My mother told me the story behind that, and I also find it hard to swallow. Basically, she was sick, and couldn't care for Chelsie while she was in the hospital. They placed her in some foster home until my mom got better, but it took some time, and by the time she was well again, they had put Chelsie up for adoption. I'm sorry, but that's a load of crap. The state can't place a child into an adoptive home without first removing the original parent's rights to be their legal guardians, and that doesn't happen without a court order, or the parent's signature. She gave Chelsie up becuase it was too hard for her.

Too hard? What the hell did she expect? What, we'd raise ourselves, that having a kid was a cakewalk? I know lots and lots of single parents raising their children on almost nothing, it's hard, yes, but they get it done becuase they truely love their children and couldn't see being without them. Obviously, my mother could see living without us. She not only saw it, but wanted it. She wanted a life without me, without my brother or without Chelsie. Now, after 20 years, she's decided she really does want us. Probably becuase her years are catching up to her and she is afraid she'll die never having the pleasure of her children. Well, tough titty, I say. She made her decision a loooong time ago. She ruined my life before I even had a chance to live it, now she wants me to come back? For what? More pain? Screw that. Screw them. They don't deserve me. And by "They" I mean my entire family. Anyone of my relatives could have taken us in, but they chose not to. The state most likely asked them all first before placing us in an orphanage. They said no, they didn't want me. So they can screw off too.

I don't expect anyone of you to understand where I'm coming from, what I've gone through, the hell that is my life. It's almost horrific the things that me and my brother have experienced because of her callous decision. I have no love for my tormentors, and I probably never will. There's nothing more painful, no wound so deep, as being stabbed in the back by those closest to you. It's affected me in ways I can't even comprehend. Everything about me derives from her decision. My anger, my bitterness, my lack of self esteem, my uncaring, unfeeling stone-cold heart. It's all because of them. They want me? They have to deal with what they have created. If I didn't tell them how I feel, tell them how much I have suffered and hurt, I'll never be able to get past it. I could have hidden these things from them, hell, I have until just now, but I would be lying to myself and them. I couldn't live with that.

My pain is their pain too, and we shall all endure it, because I'll be damned if I'm going to let her think everything is hunky-dory, that all is forgiven and forgotten. My brother is taking that approach, and I think my sister Chelsie has as well, but not so blindly. I can't. I can't dellude myself into thinking I love these people, thinking that everything I went through was meaningless and arbitrary. It wasn't.

~X

Such ideals are fairy tales. People are selfish. She may have convinced herself she did it for our benefit, but I know that's a lie. She did it because she didn't want to deal with it herself, she told me so, not so blatantly, but the message was the same. It was too hard for "me", "I" couldn't handle it. As if it was supposed to be easy raising two children by yourself. And she wasn't even alone. She had her family, and my father up to a point. She wasn't alone, she had help, but even that wasn't enough. Best intentions are what the shameful claim when their crap hits the fan. Intentions don't matter. The acts do.

~X

I understand now, you feel that everyone hated you.

Thats a real touching story everytime i hear a story like that it makes me want to cry but i dont. Im not an expert but maybe u should accept them i know what they did to u but maybe it was for a good cause.