Below is an essay i have to write as part of my college application proccess. The topic is: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national or international concern and its importance to you.
Please read it and tell me of any errors you think should be fixed. Thanks.
The war in Iraq, which began in early 2003, has had significant consequences on many human lives. President Bush took a large risk when deciding to wage war on Iraq. The war has resulted in a loss of 58,454 U.S. soldier’s lives. The number of casualties will continue to grow.
What is the ultimate goal of the war? Who is the real target? Perhaps the war should have been in Afghanistan, the country where Osama Bin Laden remains in captivity. After all, terrorist Osama Bin Laden is held responsible for the vile attacks on September 11, 2001. President Bush made a number of clear statements for the reasons the United States needed to pursue war. On September 22 2002 Bush addressed the United Nations saying, “Iraq is expanding and improving facilities that were used for the production of biological weapons." These words describe how he felt the war in Iraq was essential. However, Bush was manipulating America into believing Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. To this day there have been no weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq.
Many Americans continue to wonder why we are still in Iraq. Until George Bush can provide a rational reason for putting thousands of American troops in danger, we should look at his decision with skepticism.
ID:184020
 Jan 31 2007, 3:18 pm
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That's how it is in High School here >.>
I would assume it's like that in College though, which I will be starting soon at the age of 16 ^.^ /endbrag | |
The only grammatical error I see is that soldier's (in the first paragraph) should be changed to soldiers'. However, I'd like to raise some points on the content of your essay. It's a good argument and is worthy to be a college application essay (if a bit short), but after all, what's the point of an argument but for people to raise counter-points, and for people to raise counter-points to those? Anyhow:
58,454 soldiers over 4 years? Think about that, and compare it to other wars, or the number of lives taken by traffic accidents each year (81,037 in 2005, according to http://www-fars.nhtsa.dot.gov/). Basically, we have been successful at keeping the number of troops killed at a minimum. The real target of the war is Islam. I know you may disagree with me, but think about it: The rest of the world sees the US as a Christian nation, whether you agree with that statement or not, and one of Islam's foremost tenets is to destroy all Christians. The Islamic terrorists have declared war on us, as Japan did in WWII. Our only logical defense is to pursue the enemy until they do not wish to attack us anymore. Bush may not be the best president, but look at the alternatives: Kerry, Hilary Clinton, etc. He didn't "manipulate" anyone into believing that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and if the terrorists can hide, they can hide biological weapons, too. Even today, we're still discovering caches of weapons in Iraq. I don't have any more time to type here, so please respond, and tell me how you support or disagree with this. Thanks! | |
When you write an essay to get into a college, it is only supposed to be a couple paragraphs. It is not the usual 4 - 5 paragraphs. Of course, each college asks their own questions, and some of them may tell you to write four to five paragraphs.
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What if you get a supporter of the war reading your essay? While in most cases I assume the readers would put differences aside, it would probably be best to play it safe. And I don't think that the topic has been very well reinforced by any evidence you have included, from a neutral point of view. And what is its importance/impact on you, without the ranting? Everyone and their grandmother's canasta partner has an 'opinion' on the war.
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Hmm...I got into college pretty easily. The guy came to my house, basically filled out the application, and a month later, I was accepted. He said something about DeVry looking more for initiative than things like GPA (though they do have a minimum ACT score you have to have.) I should focus on graduating High School first though =P
The essay looks really good, but...it's a bit short. Like it barely took any time at all. I would suggest at least getting a page out of it. Good luck! Edit: You do realize that there hasn't even been 4000 American casualties in Iraq? Where'd you get that big number? | |
Cavern wrote:
When you write an essay to get into a college, it is only supposed to be a couple paragraphs. It is not the usual 4 - 5 paragraphs. I thought that might be the case, but that it was worth pointing out anyway. =) | |
Crispy wrote:
It's not structured according to the essay-writing rules that I learnt (an introduction giving a brief overview of what your major points are, a body paragraphs for each major point that you have, and a conclusion which shows how all of your points fit into a coherent argument). Then again, the standards could be different in the US, I don't know. They aren't. There is indeed a complete lack of a thesis statement or proper conclusion. Lummox JR | |
The structure rules you have presented are pretty much the same in the United States.
As for the short part, I believe more in quality and I think colleges look for quality as well. They'd also like to analyze your English skills, outlook and opinion on certain subjects to test your intellectual-ness. As you can see, I've clearly failed the English part. To the author: You are lacking some important structure. You lack the thesis, which is maybe the most important part of the essay because your essay should be centered around proving or supporting your thesis. You also might want to reconsider your conclusion. | |
I'm confused on that number. From what I've understood the number hasn't even broken 4000. Link here.
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“Iraq is expanding and improving facilities that were used for the production of biological weapons." These words describe how he felt . . . i'm in 9th grade CP english but my Teacher really STRESSES not to say a quote then refer to it like "this quote" or "he said this" or in your case "these words" .. so i think u should change that | |
The goal of a college application is essay is to tell the admissions officers more about yourself, as well as how well you write. Therefore, I recommend choosing a topic that accomplishes the first goal better =P.
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I would add that in addition to abandoning the standard thesis structure (which you should follow unless you really know what you're doing or are told otherwise), you failed to follow the instructions. While you discuss the issue, you never address its importance to you. In this case, I think they are pretty clearly asking for something personal. You have produced something more akin to an unsourced report.
Your grammar and punctuantion also need work. You use the passive voice too much. Also, I don't like the question format. There is no reason to pose questions in that format in a standard essay. Instead, try something like "Critics have frequently criticized the wars targets and question the administration's stated goals." I would also recommend steering clear of such politically charged topics. You have no idea who is considering your essay and, as a practical matter, you don't want to risk any negative perceptions. How do you know your admissions officer isn't a big Bush supporter? Contrary to the right-wing spin, which says all those edumakated college types are pointy headed liberal pinkos, and the liberal ideal, which is that no person of any significant intellect could *possibly* be a neanderthal conservative, many college officials are both well educated and quite conservative. Try something that everybody can agree on- terrorism is bad, babies and puppies are good, education is vital to success, etc. and make it personal. Maybe how with China and India ramping up educational output, the global environment has gotten more competitive and, as the first college graduate of your family, that presents some unique challenges. Or how terrorism and growing hostilities between religious groups has forced you to examine your own beliefs and biases. Or how recent events have shown you the true cost of war/terrorism/etc. with the loss of of friend or loved one. Or how your friends/family has struggled as costs have gone up but incomes have not. You get the point. | |
Yes, i do realize this essay is short, it is supposed to be. They asked that it be only 1 page at the maximum. And i also agree that this topic is to contraversial, so im deciding to do it on another topic :P.
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Jmurph wrote:
I would also recommend steering clear of such politically charged topics. You have no idea who is considering your essay and, as a practical matter, you don't want to risk any negative perceptions. How do you know your admissions officer isn't a big Bush supporter? Contrary to the right-wing spin, which says all those edumakated college types are pointy headed liberal pinkos, and the liberal ideal, which is that no person of any significant intellect could *possibly* be a neanderthal conservative, many college officials are both well educated and quite conservative. How can someone be both a conservative and support Bush? Conservatives are for as little change as possible. Bush is as good as rewriting entire sections of law as he sees fit through executive orders, signing statements, and having the executive just plain ignore what the law has said for ages. In my opinion, Bush is more in line with the reactionists, who want the laws and society of today dictated by the ethics and morals of yesterday: rather than progressive change, retrospective change to bring the country back to exactly how it was in "the good 'ol days" is preferred. | |
Well, not to take this thread OT, but Bush is a self styled conservative, elected by a party that claims to champion conservative values, and still draws his base from people who self identify as conservative. This is American politics, though, so labels and actual philosophy may differ.
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If I were you I'd avoid the war and focus on something more personal. They're probably going to see a lot of it and it doesn't seem to have any real effect on you.
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Data-Con wrote:
I'm confused on that number. From what I've understood the number hasn't even broken 4000. Link here. He's treating a figure as accurate that is just an estimate, only it's not an estimate of American casualties--it's an estimate of total casualties since 2003, an amount which is heavily weighted by casualties caused by the terrorists. Actually, it's rather above the best estimates, which say 50,000 hasn't quite been reached. American casualties are a little over 3,000. As wars go, that's phenomenally low. Lummox JR | |
American casualties are a little over 3,000. As wars go, that's phenomenally low. Wars also tend to involve larger areas. Most of the 3,000 casualties are concentrated in a quite small geographic area. And, arguably, this is not a traditional "war" as we are not technically at war with anyone- there was no declaration of war against Iraq, for example. Yet it has still surpassed other major conflicts such as the War of 1812, Mexican War, and the Spanish American War. In fact, it surpasses these in the second year. To date, we have suffered fewer casualties in Iraq than the Revolutionary War (4,435), Civil War (just under 191K), WW1 (53K), WW2(671K), Korea (33K), and Viet Nam (47-60K). In the 1st Gulf War we loss less than 200. Time span is another thing to consider. We have been in Iraq 3 years, about the same length as the War of 1812, and Korean conflict. This is longer than our war on Germany in WW2, the Spanish American War, and the Mexican War. It is much shorter than our involvement in WW1 (4 years),the Revolutionary War (13 years), and Viet Nam (which stretched nearly 20 years!). It is one of those pesky modern "police actions" like Korea, Viet Nam, Somalia, and Kuwait. Fortunately we have improved our battlefield technology, medicine and training over time. Medical studies indicate better medicine has greatly reduced fatality rates. In World War II, 30 percent of wounds proved deadly. In Korea, Vietnam, and the first Gulf War, this rate hovered between 24 percent and 25 percent. But due to better medical technology, doctrinal changes that push surgical teams closer to the front lines, and individual armor protection for soldiers, this rate has dropped to 10 percent for Operation Iraqi Freedom for all wounds. For serious wounds that keep a soldier away from duty for more than 72 hours, the mortality rate is now 16 percent. Simply, a soldier was nearly 1.5 times more likely to die from his wounds in Vietnam than in Iraq today. But keep in mind, casualty figures don't tell the whole story. That estimate doesn't include wounded and disabled who number over 23,000. Some estimates put the burden on infantrymen as high as any conflict since WW1. It somewhat bothers me when people seem to imply that over 3000 dead and 23,000 wounded is somehow not significant or, as one guy I read put it, a "cake walk". While I think we can disagree about the reasons for the war and its necessity as well as continuing options, I think it inappropriate to demean the significant casualties of a major military engagement. EDIT: I do not believe LummoxJR was attempting to belittle the casualties in any way! | |
It's not structured according to the essay-writing rules that I learnt (an introduction giving a brief overview of what your major points are, a body paragraphs for each major point that you have, and a conclusion which shows how all of your points fit into a coherent argument). Then again, the standards could be different in the US, I don't know.