It's been good. It was a fun relationship and we had a great time; she's absolutely lovely, beautiful and incredibly kind-hearted and loving.
A few days ago I broke up wv her. Things just weren't working out; nothing really to do with the relationship, but the fact that I just couldn't sustain one with my current situation. A girlfriend is the last thing on my mind and I'd rather she got hurt now rather than later at my funeral or something.
Nevertheless she was pretty heartbroken, but I imagine she'll get over it. I'm just upset about how upset she is. Still, I'll continue to try justifying it via logic and weighing up the consequences; how much better it was for me to break up with her now rather than later, or some other rubbish I'll cook up to make me feel somewhat better than a total loser.
Hey, I may as well make that mega-post. It's 4:43 AM and I'm not going anywhere. Things are sucking. But I guess since I've not really posted here in months I'll go back to the last time I spoke to you guys properly.
Cambridge. Ema. Best time of my life, at least in relation to the times I've had this year. I met all her friends and I think we got on pretty well. They're all pretty awesome and funny. I really loved it there. Being with Ema for that long (just over a week) cheered me up no end. I didn't have to think about the divorce, failing school and such. It was just bliss. I mean I was sad a few times. I almost burst out into tears when were at a pub which is a little "=/". We went punting too, and I sucked really bad at it. I caused a massive build up on the river, and people started clapping every time I managed to get my balance back after almost falling in. Apparantly the water was like, 85% waste which is lovely.
We also played 'communist games' in the grounds which was awesome, except like, there was some kind of weed killer on the grass and it made me feel ill.
Oh man. We played Zelda. And resi 4, and Soul Calibur and Wario Ware at night. :)
That was a really great time. Freakin' awesome.
I could go on to list everything about it but I'd probably crash the internet.
Aanyway. When I got back, loads of other stuff happened. I wish I could remember. I don't know quite what you all know so I'll just start with what I know.
Things are pretty sucky. They're bad. I drop out of school at pretty much the same time that my mum's affair is uncovered and they decide to divorce. Then my dad finds out that my mum's been having affairs for about 3 years. With more than one guy.
And roundabout the same time I found, when working on my dad's laptop, scanned in letters from the scumbags who had been writing my mum letters during the past affairs. The ones scanned in were from some farmer. Talking about how great my mum made him feel, how special it was. =/
I also found, that same day, pictures of my mum in dad's laptop case. Except she didn't have any clothes on. First I was like, "urgh, my dad's porn..." then I was like, "wait. I recog-" and then I was like "OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. WHERE ARE ALL YOUR CLOTHES MUM. :( :( :(".
They were black and white. 'Artistic soft porn'. She looked young in them too. I only looked at her face. I only looked at her face. I only looked at her face. I only looked at her face. Maybe they were about 10 years old? I dunno. Why did my dad have them? Why would anyone ever take them? Who took them? Why? Why me? I've not really thought about this much since I found them, since I've been trying to block it out of my mind. We will say no more on this matter, and I hope my parents never ever ever ever find this blog i only looked at her face.
Then came the news that a sensei of mine, Sensei John, had passed away from cancer. More bad news. How do you take stuff like that? Going in to karate with Sensei Alex and Sensei Justin and Justin saying, "Hey, uh, Will- last week Sensei John died". I kinda was like, "Ok." I mean, how should one react? I didn't know him well enough to burst out crying but I knew him well enough to be quite sad about it. Not just on a "Now I have one less karate sensei to teach me" level, either.
What other bad news. Hm. I can't really remember what I've been getting up to. I just spend my time sleeping to try and get away from it all. My brother has stopped hating my mum so much- he talks to her now.I still am concerned in his stance towards things, though. One morning I had been up after an all-nighter (like tonight. And the night before. And the night before.) and I could hear shouting downstairs. I went to listen in and my dad was yelling at my mum about how his sister had told him she was "embarrassed" to go around with Monika (my mum) in town and such because she'd eye up other men and such. My mum was in utter tears because my dad wouldn't stop accusing her. He also was berating her because Heather, my dad's new girlfriend (I don't like her, for reasons you will find out) claimed that my mum had repeatedly called Heather, trying to harrass her. Mum showed dad her mobile's calls list to show that she had not and whilst I imagine one can clear the list, she seemed pretty sincere from the fact that she was sobbing. My dad was definitely pushing the argument, trying to bully mum. He very much went overboard when shouting at her, "You dirty slut". I am meant to remain neutral, but that doesn't mean I don't get involved. My brother acted annoyed towards me as I sat on the stairs, listening to their arguing- I was poised to go in there and break it up if it came to true violence, which was a real possibility. Tom, from his room on the second floor swore at me and acted like I was totally out of line- saying "just leave it", etc. As if I would goddamn leave it; I guess he can't really be blamed. I'm not going to act like he's too young to make the right decision on things like this, but hell, he's too young to make the right decision on this. I knew that it was right to remain neutral and not pick a side to favour (as Tom was warming to that idea), but that doesn't mean one should not be involved if things got dangerous.
My dad walked towards the door, turned, and saw me listening in. My brother tried to get me away but I stayed, dad began to argue his side of the story to me- that Heather was being harrassed by mum and such. My mum came over hearing this, incredibly upset and began to call out to me trying to prove her side of the story; that she was innocent.
I shouted out to both of them to shut up; that what both of them were saying was absolute rubbish and neither me or Tom believed what either of them were saying- we automatically assumed that it was inheritely made up lies. My dad seemed pretty shocked by this, so I followed up. I told them to goddamn behave like proper adults; to show us a good example and stop behaving like little kids. If they couldn't be trusted to behave rationally and sensibly then there would be no choice other than for me to regular and control their behaviour.
My mum called my dad's sister for support and my sister told her she had not said that to dad; he had made it up and that Chris (my dad's sister's ex-husband (she had an affair too)) has said exactly the same thing to her.
Meh. I expect someone looking in on the situation would think I have sided with my mum. To be honest? I somewhat have; to provide neutrality. My mum has no one to side with her except me. That doesn't mean I shun my dad of course, but he has support from Tom.
Things have changed since then. Somewhat. Things keep getting worse. Bad things keep happening. I can't remember to list all the things. It's all too depressing.
Once I needed a lift him from Rachel's house. Dad was away with- ah, that reminds me, I almost forgot.
Heather's in bristol. Yeah. That's right. She used to live up north near my dad's family, but I had to help my dad pack up her stuff into our camper van and ship it down south to Bristol. She's now staying with my dad's friend, and you know what that means. A mother and a child in a single room? Not going to happen. It's obviously a temporary replacement. My mum moves out to our flat (that we used to rent out- we bought it with the money my dad got from the accident that messed up his remaining good ankle, so now he can't run) this month, I imagine it won't be too long before my dad tries to get Heather and her girl, Eden, to move in here. In this house. I will tell you why this is a bad thing.
She is a poor replacement for a mother. She is a total slob. I'm not being all elitist and posh and british (I do that well enough anyway), I'm seriously telling the truth. Her house was GROSS beyond belief. Seriously, you had no idea. I had to pack up something like her scabby surround sound system and afterwards my hands smelt like gross. I had to find one of the speakers in the cushions of her couch and afterwards my hands smelt like cat waste and a horrid stickiness I couldn't determine. Fag-ends everywhere (er, that's cigarette ends. Not gay people), disgusting. I went to wash my hands to get rid of the gross and somehow the water made my hands blacker- I took them out of the sink and some horrid black stuff got on them from the sides of the sink and it wouldn't come off. I wanted to throw up. I'm not overreacting, seriously, this house was the kind of house you see on those reality TV things where you call in and vote for that scary blonde lady and the other one to clean your house.
Er, where were we? Oh yeah. She's not coming in this house. She will not live here. Tom has already told dad he'd never let her in here. I dunno, as long as I can move out with all my stuff and live with Ema forever, then she could move in here. Dad came up once and we had a mini-talk between me, him and Tom. We told him what we think of Heather, which is "no.". Far too soon after your split up with mum, and hell; she's horrid.
Back to what I was saying before. Dad's always away now, with Heather. He stays the night there. Sometimes they come over here. I hate waking up and finding that stranger Heather with her gigantic bass thing she bought. Walking around as if they belong here. Can you tell I resent her existence?
Anyway, one day I was at Rachel's house and I needed to get back to my own house. She lives in Bristol and I live in Portishead, about 15 miles away? It was late and my dad was away with Heather so he couldn't give me a lift (he's infact screwed over both me and Tom multiple times in that respect, failing to give us a lift and such when he promised he would).
So my mum was all, "Ok i'll call a taxi for you."
So we wait.
Guess who turns up.
My mum. In a car. With. Simon.
The guy. The guy who messed up everything. The guy who has been having an affair with my mum. Okay, so it's not totally fair to place all the blame on him, but hell, I'm going to.
Simon. Why would you ever deem it a good idea to let me ever meet him, Mum.
Anyway, so we were in his car on the way back to Portishead.
You wanna know what Simon is like, right? (Because Heather is fat. It's mean, but, hey.)
Simon is a guy. Just a guy. Doesn't look outstanding. His car is old. He's clearly not super rich or anything like that. He doesn't look like a super intellectual. Again, not being elitist, just describing him.
Just a guy.
So I was silent during the ride back. My mum kept trying to get me to talk to Simon.
WHY WOULD I EVER WANT TO DO THAT
ARE YOU STUPID
If I wasn't a complete stupid loser I'd have like, attacked him whilst he was driving so he'd crash and we'd all die. I'd get my suicide, and I'd kill him and my mum- everyone's happy. But no. I'm a loser and then I'd go and justify my loserness with "I wouldn't want to die next to that guy.".
Whatever Will. You suck.
So anyway. I was annoyed about that.
Another time we started getting calls to the house. My mum sleeps in my parent's room and my dad sleeps in the camper outside, now; my mum kept being woken up by the calls and my dad wouldn't hear it. The calls went on from about 12 to 2-3 am.
My mum told me it was Heather repeatedly calling, but every time my mum would answer Heather would stay silent. Remember when my dad went mental at my mum supposedly calling Heather?
That's right. Heather's clearly a psycho.
Apparantly my dad had been at heather's and she wanted to have some big talk with him, but he was like "Seriously i have to go and pick up my son, Tom, or he'll be stranded in the middle of Bristol". And for some reason she didn't like that. OH MY GOD, HE PICKED HIS STRANDED SON OVER CHATTING WITH SOME GIRLFRIEND HE'S JUST MET?
Yeah, he's totally in the wrong for that.
So he picks Tom up and drives home. Heather's totally pissed so she phones him up and has a massive conversation with him to about midnight. He's all, "look seriously i have to go now i haven't slept well for ages and i need to sleep", and she's all, "NO THAT SUCKS YOU SHOULD TALK TO ME".
So my dad switches his mobile off, and Heather begins to call the house phone. My mum eventually gets pissed off by the repeated calls so she goes to dad and is like, "why" and he's all "yeah this is why" so my mum redirected the house phone to my dad's mobile, but I said that she should redirect it to the police or maybe the talking clock, or maybe a sex line (I did not say the sex line one to her).
So Heather's a psycho AND a psycho.
And my dad and her have known eachother for what, a month or two? Jesus. And she's quit her job, moved right down the country to be with him.
I mean, c'mon. And my dad's already wasted loads of money going up and down to the north and back. My mum's money, that is- he's not had a job for ages. For like, 7 months now. My mum's been working overtime and asking for more work just to keep us running. And my dad had the cheek to stop mum from getting any of the money from his settlement from the accident 'cause he didn't want Simon getting any of his cash. OHSHI, HYPOCRISY'D.
Meh. There's other stuff. Pressure is mounting up. My grandma keeps texting, emailing and phoning me- basically just bitching at me. She thinks I'm "hurting" my family.
I'll paste in what she sent me in an email:
July 2006
Dear William
The first time I saw you as a young man and not a boy was when you came here with your dad for Great Great Aunt Isabel’s internment. The both of you looked smart and I was quietly proud. You held yourself well left your shell, smiling and chatting. I hoped that this would be the start of your independence, making your way in the world and adding a touch of lustre to the family history.
Aunt Isabel, left home to become a nurse at the Manchester Royal Infirmary, one of the most prestigious hospitals in the country. Brave to leave a small provincial town, such as Wigton 80 years ago and she was just your age. She worked with the wounded during the war, witnessing some evil sights and even into old age was a commissioner in the Girl Guide movement, voluntary service with youth all her life. An example to others my smart and beautiful aunt left that legacy with our family and we have followed it.
After the fruit of a lifetimes study John Donne the Elizabethan poet and scholar wrote.
‘No man is an Island entire of itself. Everyman is a piece of Continent, a part of the main, any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.’
So much to read into those striking and wise words from a man who suffered. Not only must each of us contribute as best we can to our time here if we are to be true to ourselves, but we cannot exist without others even if we give up, drop out, become a hermit, we still need handouts from the kind-hearted. Those people in their turn have contributed without question save that of knowing they are alive to this place in time we call existence.
Love may never end, but it can be sorely tried. Mercy may be twice blessed and love, though unconditional, should, in all conscience also be returned. Honour your father and your mother William, this maxim should be reflected in the way you interact with them.
The trials of humanity, especially at this time of war, make me weep. If you have any sense or compassion you will read this letter in the love for you that it has been written.
It may be difficult to change, to bring joy to your family, you may think that the life you lead is what you want so why bother to change. ‘No man is an Island’ and the fact that I have felt the need to write this letter to my beloved grandson, both say it all.
Much Love and Affection from your Grandmother Heslam. Please come and visit. X X
----
End email.
What kind of rubbish is that!?!? Psuedo-religious self-righteous ramblings of a stupid person. I can't believe she'd try and bully me with such stuff. I mean, okay, I guess it's kinda stupid for me to wage some kind of nerd-rage war against my grandma, but goddamn.
"Love may never end, but it can be sorely tried."
"It may be difficult to change, to bring joy to your family"
I've been blanking her because she's not worth responding to. I'm considering writing a reply to the email but using the full force of the internets to bowl her logic over, debunking everything she said. What she said sucks. Uh huh. I'm hurting my family, am I? What do you think Tom was doing, making my mum cry by being cruel to her? (no offence tom)
I have been the only one in this following the right path. My grandma has been bullying my mum, betrayed her confidence and such (which I guess is kinda expected given mum cheated on her son). I have been the one staying neutral, keeping the peace and bringing 'joy' to my family.
I mean, jesus. >=|
My mum cries every day. She has taken this all on herself, feels totally guilty for everything. She told me a day or two ago, whilst crying, that she wish she had died instead of cause all this upset to everyone. She just hoped she would die instead of go on.
Today I really upset Ema after asking her for some photos of her and Selena on holiday. They looked really happy in the photos when I saw them on Ema's laptop and it would really make me a lot happier if I could have them. Ema doesn't like giving out her photos so she became upset when I asked her for them (she felt I was manipulating her by saying it'd make me feel better). I don't blame her. Maybe I blame Selena a little bit for being nasty to me because I had accidently upset Ema. :P Meh.
This coupled with my breaking up with Rachel... it's getting me down. I bet you all thought 1.0 would be the mega post. 1.0 will be something quite different. Something happier, I hope.
Oh, I just forgot. I went into school to visit, recently. I went to the pub first to meet up with my old politics class then I went to their politics class that afternoon to see some of the teachers.
They were all really happy to see me- my classmates and my teachers. My teachers wanted me to come back to school. I felt happy seeing everyone again but also a little sad. At one point I felt as though I was just going to burst out crying.
I cried today after upsetting Ema. She likes me again now I hope- I'm just very scared of losing her. I often feel as though I can't relate to her; take, for instance, when I didn't know when to stop pressing her for the photos.
I wish I knew her like Selena did. It's silly for me to obsess over her but feel so alienated from her. I feel a little alienated from everyone, really. I dunno.
I went to my friend Vikki's party (It was actually her sister's 21st birthday party but her sister likes me so invited me). I had fun, although I didn't drink and everyone else was. That always makes me feel bad- dirty, as though I'm some kind of horrid pervert. I dunno. As though I should conform, drink to otherwise it's wrong to be sober and fully aware of your surroundings when everyone else isn't. I don't like how everyone else can be so petty about some kind of little thing like they don't know if a girl likes them or not or something like that.
Forgive me if I've missed something out. Oh yeah, I remember. After Vikki's party, Simon gave me and my best friend Ben (after Ema of course. Kidding. But not really. Kinda kidding. =/ Well, I dunno. I love Ema. I like Ben. Best friends.) a lift back. I guess he can be pretty useful- he kinda owes me a few free lifts, right?
I had to babysit Heather's daughter, Eden. I have to do it again today, too. 3 hours of annoyance- she's really, really annoying. I keep declining to go up with my dad and visit family, too. Screw them.
So yeah. A whole lot of bad things. Cambridge being a good thing. The only thing that's really improved since the start of it all (basically everything has gone downhill since the start of year 11, but year 12 was really the big fall as Ema began to have a terrible time at Cambridge university) is Ema's time at cambridge- that's got better. Everything else really is just at kind of inverse plateau in terms of things being good (or rather, bad). Would you call it a depression? :P
I'll see how things pan out from here. It's upsetting that me and Rachel have broken up. I doubt I'll really get another girlfriend, I'm far too unattractive. :P I can't exactly deny her impact on things this past year. She's helped. A lot. But I can't string her along anymore.
Do you think this is a change, now? Do you think this is getting past 'it', the fundamental shift in my life that has screwed everything up? I mean, it's pretty obvious that this is one of those "turning-points in your life" for me. I'm just wondering how much longer it's going to go on- is it going to get better, or worse? I know it might not sound very bad from your perspective but my life is definitely worse than it used to be. Whatever that means.
Let's hope for things to improve. If that's really what I want.
(I'll read the actual post later)