I invite one and all to take part in the one and only true faith: The Official Church of Xenu.

Members of the faith know that Xenu is the one true god, who created us 60-something million years ago and raised us with love and care, destroying our species' enemies with nuclear bombs.

We at the Church of Xenu issue three important messages to all new converts:

1: The Blasphemer Scientologists must be destroyed.
2: One can achieve spiritual oneness by spreading violence, or, failing that, by paying us big $ to hook you up to a machine that pumps you full of drugs.
3: Xenu and his Galactic Confederacy will return to earth at the apocalypse to destroy all Scientologists with Nuclear bombs, and take all believers away to paradise on the great galactic spaceship.

Joining the religion is easy and free, and for every head you bring in, ye are promoted to a higher rank in the religion.

Only with faith and power can we hope to defeat the Scientologists and, ultimately, Tom Cruise.