Comic/Story Thing - Part 1

ID:121949
 
Dec 15 2011, 7:42 pm
Keywords: comic


Don't know what I'm going to call it, but I've really wanted to sit down and dedicate a small portion of my life to doing something fun like this.
I might change the frame size, maybe make them bigger.

If anyone wanted to do the art for the strips, that'd be cool, just message me in the comments section or on my Skype (gary.bethlehem).

By the way, I -do- have a plan on where this series will go, I'm not just making this up as I go. (:

Hope you enjoy, post criticisms below (and they won't get deleted like on every other BYOND blog asking for criticism, magical!).

-Oasiscircle
Dec 15 2011, 7:49 pm
Nifty, if not a little bit vague. Not sure if that was intentional, though. It does seem a bit small.
Dec 15 2011, 7:51 pm
Well, that's only 100 words of text, it was hard to put a short beginning in such a small space! :P
I'll definitely make the next one a lot bigger with more art, I didn't realize how much I was limiting myself. (:
Dec 15 2011, 8:13 pm
I like how I was asked to criticize this. Is that what it's come to? Am I known as BYOND's Local Critic LOL?

Anyway, let's get down to business!

"The Wizard approached the ruins."

Extremely dull way to start out a story. There is no adjective in this sentence which makes it extremely boring. You can easily say "The wizard gingerly approached the decrepit ruins." Sounds much better right?

"The walls were charred and bare of the sacred ruins and art that were previously dedicated to the deity that lived within this place of worship"

You have the exact opposite problem here. You are trying too hard and your thoughts get jumbled up. Read this sentence out loud; it doesn't really make much sense does it? You cut out some of the unneeded words, "The walls of the sacred ruins were charred and bare of the art that was once dedicated that lived within this place of worship," is how I would say it.

"He stepped slowly so, as to not awaken the deity from his long slumber, as the deities were knwon to be grumpy if they hadn't recently been worshipped by one of their realm."

This is another sentence where you are trying to hard to sound complex and use too many words. "He stepped slowly so,..." Commas have many uses but the main one is when you are pausing. Read the sentence out loud like you typed it and then read it like a normal person. Then saying slowly so as to not is kinda weird. You can change it up a little and say, "He stepped slowly so to not awaken the diety..." You continue on to say "...as the deities were known to be grumpy if they hadn't recently been worshipped by one of their realm." This sentence is pretty clunky. Not much to say about this except it is poorly worded.

I can continue breaking this down to the bones but I'd rather not. You get the idea. This is very poorly worded but the concept is nice.
Dec 15 2011, 8:20 pm
Yeah, the clunky writing is my own flaw.
I can't write very well as if I was telling a story, so I'll definitely take your advice to read the story out loud to check for clunkiness.

"He stepped slowly so, as to..." I actually typed it: "He stepped slowly, so as to..."
I do see the clunkiness of the sentence, just clarifying that I placed the comma differently than what you were criticizing.
Dec 15 2011, 8:24 pm
Oasiscircle wrote:
Yeah, the clunky writing is my own flaw.
I can't write very well as if I was telling a story, so I'll definitely take your advice to read the story out loud to check for clunkiness.

"He stepped slowly so, as to..." I actually typed it: "He stepped slowly, so as to..."
I do see the clunkiness of the sentence, just clarifying that I placed the comma differently than what you were criticizing.


That's what I was criticizing I just made a mistake in typing too fast and misplaced the comma
Dec 16 2011, 3:10 am
Dmcast is dead.
Dec 16 2011, 3:23 am
I forgot about DMCast. :O

I think he said the other guys were busy with life or something. That's everyones reason on BYOND for not doing anything. "DEALING WITH LIFE, BRO."

A.K.A. playing Skyrim or Arkham City.
Dec 16 2011, 3:31 am
Empirez, I have 7 hours of school and 3 hours of work and once I get home I have about 3-4 hours of homework every weekday and on the weekends I relax and do what I want.
Akto's computer is currently broken. Bravo1 is working on NVS and he's got an actual job.

I don't have time to run DMCast.
Dec 16 2011, 4:57 am
Laserdog's comics are better.
Dec 16 2011, 5:36 am
Empirez, Yusuke, and i will take over then.
Dec 16 2011, 6:33 am
It's a shame how stupid this community is.
Dec 16 2011, 7:57 am
Enzuigiri wrote:
It's a shame how stupid this community is.

You're welcome to leave at any moment. In fact, I encourage it.
Dec 16 2011, 9:18 am
Yusuke13 wrote:
Enzuigiri wrote:
It's a shame how stupid this community is.

You're welcome to leave at any moment. In fact, I encourage it.

I'm the silver lining in this pile of coal. You know you don't want me gone :)