Up until the start of last week, I was just who I was. I was working on maintaining good grades and working on my various "social" problems. But then, a thought struck me when I was in the middle of an internal religious debate (Which I have with myself often.) It brings many good points to the table. Now, this is just myself. I'm opening up my thoughts to anyone and everyone. If you don't care to read, then skip the TL;DR and just go about your business. But if you want some insight into Masterdarwin88's head? Well, then come right on in.

-TL;DR-

(From this point on, I will not be using 'fancy' HTML in this post. Not like I did before, anyway.)

Download and read the following notepad file before continuing.

http://www.mediafire.com/?8y87tq5i542v1v7
Well, if you can't access the file or didn't want to download a potentially dangerous threat to your computer, then I'll just give a summary of it:

1. Let's say you put on the radio to a station reporting the damage done by Hurricane Irene to the coast and your dog was nearby. Do you think he would understand? No. He wouldn't even know that there was something to understand from the sound. What if you showed him a map of the east coast where Irene hit? He wouldn't be able to read it nor know that there was something to read. Dogs, like most other animals, were made to live in their own little worlds. They cannot perceive or understand things that we can, so we say we have more intelligence. But it's also vice versa, for we don't understand everything about animals. The point being that maybe there's something out there that we can't completely perceive. Something we can't imagine. Who knows?

2. What makes you? Your heart? Your brain? Your body? No. Just because blood is pumping through your veins doesn't mean you are alive. What do you think of when you see yourself? Your outward appearance or something different? I believe, based-off my reading from the "Cardturner" and other books, that we are just us. Our brains connect to our bodies, allowing ideas and thoughts to form and blend and mix and let us live. We are always 'alive', in a sense, but we are only self-aware after the months of infancy. Even after your body wears down and turns to dirt, the idea(s) that are you will live on. Whether it be a legacy that will be written in textbooks or a heart you touched that will go on to do good in the world, you will be here long after your "soul" fades.

Now... with those two things in mind, I have realized something. There isn't a need for a God. Why? In my opinion, the diversity between the many, many religions, cults, beliefs, etc. is just too enormous. I was raised strictly seventh-day Adventist Christian, always going to church and participating in activities concerning my spirituality. As a child, I took it as the truth because my parents did. Brainwashing goes far, doesn't it? I don't blame them, though. They did it because they loved me. But as I grew up, I explored the internet. That's what probably fucked me up. I was sheltered before I was bombarded by the heavy cussin', profanity, and cruel jokes that most everyone here takes as the norm. I have changed. Matured, in a way. I slowly saw the world a different way. I slowly began to doubt and question the beliefs I had been raised with. But one day, just another empty Thursday, I hit a brick wall. I forget exactly what I thought at the time, which is why I regret not typing this up earlier, but it was along the lines of "This doesn't make any sense. Life is just life and when it's over, you will be over."

It haunted the back of my mind. Distracted me. I couldn't pay attention in class and I was beginning to become depressed. I mean, once you realize that there's a good chance that everything you once knew is nothing but lies, it hurts. Were all those things I prayed when I was lonely or scared just wishful thinking to empty air? Were all those stories and morals concerning the Bible and God just fear-tactics to scare children into submission? Is my love for Christ just blind fellowship to a long dead Jew? Everything I have lived up to... means nothing. I feel empty. I mean, if there isn't a reason to do good for this world, to be kind and generous, then why not fuck over the world? Why not go and continue to be negative and troll and spit in people's faces and kill the innocent and watch the hungry starve?

Maybe that's just it. We are incapable of accepting the fact that life just came to us... and once it's taken, we will be gone. There will be no afterlife, no heaven. We are selfish and self-centered, and try to make ourselves out to be unique and the greatest thing there ever is! But the fact is... we aren't. And that scares us, doesn't it? Maybe that fear inspired religion. Without someone, like God, to give a damn about you, you have no reason to live. No reason to act sensible or get an education or help others. All you are is another empty shell delaying the inevitable. I'm not trying to say that your beliefs and religion are false and filled with lies, but this is how I felt when this happened to me. I don't know why... but literally overnight, I grew up. I woke up one morning and looked at the ceiling through different eyes. I walked around, deciding whether I should talk to someone. The most important thing, I realized, was not to hold this inside of me. If I did, I would be miserable for the rest of my life. Now don't take this as me contemplating suicide or being severely depressed… a lot is just going through my mind at the moment.

Well, there is only one way to show you the whole point of this post. I have to show you my point of view and my theory on life. First things first. I believe we are all walking on a shoreline. To the left, there is the sea. Full of promises of relief from the pain, quick death. To the right, there are buildings. The buildings make up the world and it's promises, full of liquor so that you can escape reality and false happiness. And straight ahead, dead on, is a little light. Sometimes it gets bigger, sometimes smaller, and even disappears completely. That is your goal in life. May it be God or Heaven or whatever you want, but it is there. And there are other people walking on the shoreline as well. Some shuffle around. Some fall and have to pick themselves up. Some wander towards the promises of a painless existence. Some wander towards the promises of a meaningful life. Some will wander into the waters and lose themselves. And some wander towards that light. You can push others to the ground, out of your way, to try and get closer to the light. But really... I'm not sure what that light is. And with that doubt in my heart, I see in no point in following it. But I refuse to stop walking and submit to death. So, I'll continue to live. And along the way, help whoever needs it and accepts it. Why not? If I can’t better myself without being a martyr atheist or a traitor to my parent’s beliefs, then I will better others and help them grow to love this chaotic ball covered in sin that we call the earth.

I also look at life through another POV. Remember that post I made that talked about the "Source Code" movie? The possibility of moving through alternate versions of life? Well, what if you went far back enough so that you could change time from, like, 2000+ B.C? Something big? We would all exist, just in different bodies because we would have possibly different parents or just born at different dates. We would still be the same 'person', but we would grow up different. We would have different talents/disadvantages that come with a different body and possibly different heritage. We would be a new person, essentially. With that as the truth, that means that we are all the same at birth. If that's true... then, again, the point of a God? If he knows all our futures and knows some of us will surely not make it to heaven, then why do that? Why not make billions upon billions of babies and raise them as angels? Why only choose a few select versions of the same species, of the same person, to keep themselves after death? I don't want to get into a religious quarrel, but it doesn't make sense to me.

You probably know me as a kiss-ass troll fag or some other combination of derogatory terms because of my actions. You also probably think this is all talk. But I have changed. I will use my self-awareness to make a difference. Maybe I won't leave a grand legacy behind, like George Washington or Martin Luther or important people like that. But I'll make a difference in someone's life. I'll be a positive influence. If there happens to be a God, something after life, then that's a bonus. I consider myself Christian, even with these doubts. Even as I sit as lukewarm water. I go to church out of respect and in an attempt to regain my spirituality. But I just don't understand anymore... how anyone can consider the Bible as truth so blindly. It makes me sad, so frustrated, at how much life has changed for me in these last few days. I can't help being a doubting Thomas... to hold these questions and fears in my heart.

-/TL;DR-

There it is. I don't really want anything from you, this time. You can yay or nay, comment or not, reply or quote or whatever. You don't have to be religious or use personel experiences. I'd prefer if this were left up on the blog page, but I understand if an admin hides it. You can do what you want with this thread. I needed to get this off my back, so here it is. I'll be using my last 100 or so days of membership to type up meaningful post. Mostly concerning world issues and such. I'll be less active. No point in trying to escape reality by playing games. I need to concentrate on the real world, on making an attempt in life. And with that, I must find a reason to do good in this world. Because doing good blindly is as bad as doing evil just because there is no reason to be good. So as I go on, I guess I'll be searching for the reasons why. Or maybe... just maybe... for a way that I could be wrong.

Things that inspired me: (Sorry, again, for the lack of HTML)

The Fray (Blind): http://youtu.be/eVZv2mNUmFs
The Fray (Broken): http://youtu.be/I6cdPeYJh0s
Brand New (Jesus Christ): http://youtu.be/aa_1hVJHccU
Human Rights: http://www.youthforhumanrights.org/