Today, I start college. I figured since it was the first day, it would be hectic like all the other first days in life. So, prior to this morning, I devised the perfect plan to get through it. What was it, you ask?

Drink a cup of coffee.

I hear older men say all the time they can't get through a day without their coffee. My Dad starts every day off with a cup himself. I've tried coffee in the past and hated it. It was flavorless and I would always forget to blow it resulting in a scalded tongue. I preferred downing 2-liter Mountain Dews - the sugar rush had me bouncing off the walls.

However, I'm becoming a man. Surely, my outlook on coffee would be a lot different now that I have facial hair and some bass in my voice. One cup of the freshly brewed beverage would grant me the power to overcome any obstacle the world presented me with.

This morning, I awoke and began my daily routine. I powered on my computer and proceeded to the bathroom directly across the hall. After relieving myself, I anxiously walked to the kitchen. There she was: the Proctor Silex Coffee Maker my parents bought not too long ago to replace the old one they had been using since '99.

I remembered my Dad's instructions. It went something like:

"You open the top, move this thing back, and put your filter in. Then, you measure how much coffee you want. Usually, you just need to fill it with water to the line with 4 next to it, so you put 4 spoonfuls of coffee into the filter. Move the thing back, close the top, and turn it on."

I followed these steps, and after a few minutes, the moment of truth had arrived. I grabbed the pot and poured the drink into my Styrofoam cup that I had placed nearby the maker. It was pretty hot, so I didn't dive in immediately. You shall incinerate my tongue no more, you mischievous fiend.

I went back to my room and set the cup on my desk. After finishing up a game of HoN, I took my first sip. Boy, do I regret that.

Here I sit an hour after consuming this atrocity. Not only do I feel no boost of energy whatsoever, I also have a headache and a weird feeling in my chest and abdomen. The coffee was bland ( the "full-bodied flavor" phrase written on the Folgers label is obviously false advertisement ) and somewhat disturbing. Another side-effect I'm experiencing is a frequent urge to urinate - it's like a laxative, except for number 1s instead of 2s.

My conclusion is that coffee is from the Devil. Instead of giving me that jolt of strength and alertness it promised me, it drained me of my life force and willpower like kryptonite to Superman. I will never understand why the FDA allows this poison to be legally distributed to millions upon millions of Americans daily. Never again, coffee. Never again. I vow to forever despise you.

I think I'll stick to my 2-liter Mountain Dews.