Some people here know my history, some know bits. Others know nothing of me, or don't care. For those of you who do care, there have been some recent changes in my life I do not know how to deal with.
I was put into foster homes and such when I was very young. I haven't seen my parents in over 20 years. I grew up with strangers in their homes, lived in group homes with many other children, and residential institutions, sort of like jail for kids. I was adopted once, and later disowned by that family. Durring all of this, I had a brother of full blood who was going through similar things.
About a month ago, I got a call from my brother saying that he found our mother and family. This came as something of a shock to me, and I'm still reeling from it. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great I have a family now, but I'm not so sure I want them anymore.
Growing up was very hard for me. My brother and I went through some really horrible experiences in our youth, and I ended up living on the streets for many years because of it all. I'm still not in a place I'd call comfortable, but I like it, and it serves me well.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I used to be a person with no family, a person set on living and dying alone. I was happy, or I was illusioned enough to be happy. I can't tell which anymore. Now, I find myself re-evaluating my life, where I come from and who I am. Damnit, I've done this already. I shouldn't need to rediscover myself just because some chick comes along.
I find it hard to talk with them. They want my attention, affection and presence in their lives, but I don't feel obliged to grant it to them. I want to tell them where they can stick their family, I really do. I want to tell her I have no mother, I have no father, I have no family. I want to tell her to go screw herself, but I can't.
I don't know if this anger is real or one of my many layered self-defence mechanisms. I'm starting to think the former. Usually, I'd soften up by now, but I don't feel anything for these people.
I've been trying to find the right way of posting this, if I should have posted it at all. I know this isn't quite what I had in mind, but it's good enough for now. No need for a big dramatic scene. :P
So, uh, yeah. Post your thoughts.
~X
ID:187149
 Feb 2 2005, 2:31 am
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So, the message im getting here is you were seperated from your parents or something? or did they put you up for addoption or what?
Frankly I think that if they just left you, they dont deserve to have you back, and you should tell them to screw themselves. But I dunno, thats just my opinion, talk to your brother! | |
Wow. It really takes a lot of courage to bare those feelings to this community.
I agree with DarkView. With or without your mother, you're still the same person. You've become a damn fine fellow on your own. She can't diminish that. You don't owe your birth mother anything, and they have no right to expect anything of you that you're unwilling to give. Take some time to figure out why you feel conflicted about the situation. Ask them to give you a little space and the time to come to terms with it. Do you want to get to know your mother, or is it just because you feel you have to? If you honestly have no desire to know her better, you can walk away with no regrets. I think it would be a shame to waste the oportunity though. | |
Ditto with DarkView. I'd wager that whatever the reason be that she gave you up for adoption, she could be feeling pained for having done so (you did say she's seeking your attention and affection now, which wouldn't be the case if she genuinely didn't give a damn).
No doubt she's actually fearful of you over what she did. If anything, try to see her at least once and get to know her like you would with any other person, then decide from there if you want her to be part of your life and vice-versa, or prefer to keep to yourself. | |
That's a tough one. Even if you really don't find any common ground with them -- and even though you have some pretty understandable grounds for being upset -- the other side of the coin is that no one, neither you nor they, will be better off if you just say "Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you."
How far do they live from you? Is there a way that you can communicate with them and get to know them without too severely disrupting the life you already have? Maybe letter-writing (the actual paper kind) would be a good approach. You can write three paragraphs or thirty, and either way they'll be glad to get a letter. | |
I think you should see what your brother thinks. After all, he's had the same sort of experiences as you, you two can probably relate.
I'm not going to make any decisions for you, because I'm not very good at judging anything correctly; but I can empathise partially with the problem with your parents. You must feel betrayed, as if they are two-faced, and you can't trust them. I think you'd cope whatever you choose to do. You've become independant, so telling them to screw themselves- regardless of the (mostly moral) consequences- wouldn't be to hard on yourself. But having a family can be nice too, especially when you get low on cash. | |
I had a similar situation with my father. My father was essentially a drunken bum. Couldn't hold a job, all that stuff. When I was about five and my sister was three my mom told him, "I'm raising two kids. I can't afford to raise three. Get the hell out." (Something to that effect anyway.) We moved from New Jersey to Florida, and I saw or heard nothing of him for twenty years. Never really bothered me much either. I've got a few memories of him, but nothing really strong enough to affect me one way or the other.
Out of the blue, about ten years ago I got a letter from him. Basically, him apologising for being an immature ass back then, and saying he would like to get back in touch with me. I thought about it quite a while before responding. Lots of issues I had never really conciously dealt with. Turned out, I was a bit pissed off, though more for my mom's sake than my own. It was pretty tough for her. Eventually, however, I decided to contact him. People change. I know I'm a hell of a lot different person than I was twenty years ago. (I'm in retail management now. Those of you who have seen my photo will understand that there must have been some changes :) At the very least, I felt I should give him a chance. If it turned out he was still an ass, I was no worse off than I was before. And who knows, maybe he would turn out to be a great guy today who made some really bad choices in his youth. Unfortunetly, there is no real ending to this story. I sent him a letter to the return address on the letter he sent me, and it came back 'Undeliverable: No such address'. He never sent me another letter, and I don't know any of my family from New Jersey to try and find him. Family is pretty hard to come by. I can understand you being really angry at them. Seems to me that is an absolutely natural reaction. But I think I would at least try to get to know them. I don't know the specifics of how your situation arose, but I know generally, parents who give up their children for adoption do so because they think it will be best for the child. They may be entirely wrong, but I'm sure it isn't an easy decision. At this point, the 'damage' seems to have been done. Whether you go ahead and get to know them or not, it seems to already be in your head. If you just totally ignore them, or spend some time with them and then decide you don't want anything to do with them anymore, the anger, memories, and other issues are going to be there either way. Personally, I would probably see them. No rush though. It's been quite a while, another few months isn't going to matter much. Just make sure you get a valid return address :P Good luck Xoox. | |
I'm going with Shadowdarke and Flick on this one. You don't wanna miss out on an opportunity. Think about it, put yourself in his shoes.
"What would Sariat do?" | |
I think people here have given some very good advice. I think you should talk to your brother first. Who knows, you both may be thinking exactly alike.
I, personally, wouldn't give up the chance to at least see what my parents were like in your shoes. I've not had any experiences even close to that, and I understand why you are angry, but it is possible they just made bad choices and/or didn't think they had any other way of giving you a good life. On another note, you shouldn't have to re-evaluate yourself at all. You are the same great person you've always been and no one can change that but you. Good luck, I hope everything goes well for you. | |
Ignorance is bliss, but bliss is still bliss.
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Point is, if you thought you where happy, you probably where. Your family is not going to change that. Cut off from them if they bring you down, get closer if they make you happy. From an outsiders point of view, the choice is simple. | |
Well, some time has passed, not much in the big scheme of things, but I think I have my emotions sorted out as best as they will be right now. Thanks for all the advice.
I've decided to let loose the hounds of hell upon them. I can't see any other option right now. I'm an angry, bitter person. They're the reason I am. It's only fair they share in that. If I lash out with anger, and they run, all's good. If they retaliate with the same, I can cut them off. If they still want to stick at it, which I fear they will, then I guess I'll have little choice but to accept them. But none of this love crap. My heart turned cold and dead a long time ago. We can "still be friends", though. Here is a letter my mother recently sent to me, thanking me for the picture I sent her. You've all probably seen that pic, the one I use for my profile in Chatters. Oh, btw, my mom's an internet imbicile. You'll see what I mean. Uhg. Anyways, here is my reply*, just sent. (Explicit Language!) It contains some, undignified, aspects of my childhood, which y'all can freely belly-laugh at. Trust me, the universe has been laughing for decades.... Let's just not make it a huge thread, m'kay? My life ain't worth so many words. :P ~X * For reference, the Parates were one of the first foster homes I lived after leaving my mother. The Arnolds were the ones who, a few years later, adopted me and my brother. They later disowned both of us and divorced themselves, and we went back into the system. My brother was later adopted by a family, but I refused to be. Chelsie is my younger half-sister (she just turned 18, I'm 26, the eldest of 3, my brother is 24, soon to be 25) who was also put up for adoption when she was little. I only recently learned about her. Oh, and I guess I have some Cherokee ancestory and a famous golden gloves boxer grandfather. | |
It is nice to have a follow up on that. I can honistly say my life was not that bad, but I did have a rough childhood, and I like to think I am a better person because of it.
I hate seeing little brats who think the world is going to end because their daddys took their video games away. They should be glad they have a daddy, or a father figure at all (I personally don't consider that....I mean a crack addict a father figure). I realize you are bitter to your family, and have every right to be. I am not going to tell you that you should be nice, because I am not in your shoes, and chances are that if my moms X boyfriend ever came around these parts, I would have a nice shiny bat for him. Enough about my demons, I am glad you made a reply in any form, even if it was what it was. I hope that your mom had a good reason for putting you up for addoption, but I have no clue if she did. I have made it to 18 without doing drugs, getting drunk(I don't consider this too bad, but bad things can come from it), or smoking cigerrets. And I can honestly say that it is thanks to that crack head. I would never, ever want to end up like him. So, even if you hate your mom for the rest of your life, hopefully you got something meaning full out of the whole thing. | |
Just remember, many times people put their kids up for adoption because they just can't do be it money or no housing. My sister put her daughter up for adoption, about 18 years ago. I mean people are stupid, [censored] happens. You need to remember, that they did this because in the end they thought you would do much better if you was somewhere else. They did out of love.
-Angel | |
Two things to remember however. First, you're the same person you were before, you've just got the chance to add something more to that. If you were happy before then there's no reason for that to change.
Second, you wont instantly love strangers over-night. There's nothing wrong with you if you don't care about these people.
Xooxer wrote:
You're not obligated to do or feel anything here, but you probably should do it for yourself.